Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Gruesome Bruise-some

Happy Halloween, y'all.

I did not live up to my Halloween potential this year. I started planning and putting together a costume a couple of months ago (I even got contacts!), but didn't feel like dressing up this past weekend whenever I made the Halloween party rounds. And since I am going to see Leonard Cohen tonight I have missed all my spooktacular opportunities. In silver lining perspective, I guess I have my costume for next year: Frankenstein Dolly Parton.

Since I don't have any fun costume photos to share, I present to you some ghoulish images of bruises, injuries, and frightful sights.

Look at these injuries I've sustained!



I used to bruise easier than a peach, but since I haven't been pumped full of steroids, I no longer look like a victim of domestic violence. (Seriously, I stopped going to the gym after countless locker room interventions by women who were concerned.) The crazy thing is that each bruise shown below came from unknown sources. Sure, I can be clumsy, but these were just from normal wear and tear:









Speaking of steroids, here's a scary sight of my fat face before and after:

Steroid overload chub face

Sad margarita face without steroid overload

Do you want another scary before and after image? Well, here it is. I've officially had my new teeth for over a year now and I can easily say that my smile is now my most prized possession and the best thing money has ever bought me!


Now, if only medical science could make this happen:

Kitty cat pregnancy

Here are some historical costume pics:

Pigeon with Santa Cirelli

Pigeon, pigeon, pigeon

Owl with Katie skunk

Selena


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Fair Daze

This past weekend I packed up my stretchy pants and took my first Megabus to Dallas to visit Audra, Jamie, and the Texas State Fair. I had such a great time with my girls, had a lot of new experiences, and didn't eat a single vegetable the entire trip.

Dear road tripping friends, Megabus is pretty great. The fares are shockingly cheap, the buses are equipped with electrical outlets, bathrooms, and WIFI, the clientele is less "prison-escapee" than Greyhound, and if you're anything like me you can drink a tallboy purchased from a gas station whenever the bus driver takes a bathroom break. I highly recommend it for local Texas trips (or while traveling through the north east) and will certainly be using Megabus again.

I arrived in Dallas Friday afternoon and Jamie and I immediately set out for the state fair. I had the highest of hopes for participating in a hot dog eating contest hosted by Hoffman's hotdogs and judged by none other than Takero Kobayashi, international eating sensation. Upon arrival, however, we discovered that only two people from the audience would be selected to participate and I was not the frat boy from Oklahoma they were looking for. My disappointment quickly dissipated after chowing down some deep fried Frito pie, deep fried kraut balls filled with sour kraut and German sausage, a corn dog, deep fried cheese curds, delicious handmade lemonade and root beer, deep fried chicken and waffle on a stick, and many $12 Miller Lites. The winner of the hotdog eating contest ate 20 dogs (without the bun) in 5 minutes, which is about 17 more than I would have eaten. We also got to watch Kobayashi engulf 60 dogs in about 3 minutes.

Kobayashi, king of the hotdogs

After fooding we hit up the livestock shows and met Boris, Texas's biggest pig, and a kangaroo that seemed drugged as a precaution to prevent his escape and potential attack/ruckus. We watched the pig races and afterwards witnessed a 2 week old baby goat desperately try to stay awake. (His poor little head was so heavy!) There was a chicken exhibit equipped with a tiny ferris wheel for the baby chicks, a baby giraffe, and some fancy African animals I had never heard of before, but my favorite livestock event was learning about bout cats!




Boris the 1,200lb Texas pig

Boris has balls the size of my head!

The educational sign at the cat exhibit


The Texas State Fair makes for great people watching. After all, you can't very well walk around while juggling a corn dog and funnel cake, so we scoped out the fair fashions while stuffing our faces. What's hot in fair fashion this year?
  • Neon hair extensions: which happen to be available for purchase at the various merchant tents


  • Exposed midriff: It doesn't matter if you're 6 or 60 or in the peak of your physical shape. Let those belly rolls or 6-pack abs show! I seriously saw a sexagenarian in a wispy silk, blue crop-top paired with high-waisted mom jorts.


  • Kid 'n Play hair: high and tight!


  • Thigh tattoos: Temporary tattoos are available at the fair if you're not up for a permanent one and offered in henna, airbrushed, or hand painted.
  • Mix-matched patterns: I was so impressed with the pairings of plaids and florals, ikat and stripes... these girls were fly.
  • Animal print: not just for Jersey housewives anymore.
  • Huge hair bows: I'm not talking about the kind worn by toddlers.


  • Flamboyant kicks: Sneaker washing services are also offered in many merchant tents.
  • Couples shirts: You and your boo should match, if at the very least to let the fair floozies know he's taken.
I don't know what this means, but it was very popular!


Texas State Fair success!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Film Femme Fatales

For the last few months I've been hosting monthly ladies movie nights at my house and it's turned into something I look forward to every time. The movies are curated for the most discerning of tastes and typically we have potluck dinners that follow the theme of the film. Last night the gals and I dined on the trashiest and classiest foods we could find and watched Overboard. Carole brilliantly provided plastic champagne glasses and the pink champagne was flowing all night long. What goes best with a Frito pie? Truffled brie, of course!

Some highlights from last night:
  • In hindsight, I wish we would have planned a drinking game and taken a shot every time someone actually went overboard. I highly recommend you do this at home and don't worry, overboarding only happens 5 times in the movie.
  • Ladies, ladies, ladies.... words cannot express the delight you will get in watching Kurt Russell topless. Hands down, he has to be the sexiest man that has ever worn a mullet. I submit the following two screen shots as evidence:



  • Are you looking for a last minute Halloween costume? The gals and I thought this rich bitch costume of Goldie Hawn's would be stupendous.



  • Last night an olive rolled off Margaret's plate and onto the floor past my foot and I jumped up and screamed. I thought it was the fastest moving, blackest cockroach I had ever seen and was simultaneously terrified and horrified that a roach would show it's face with company over.

We decided last night that we will be having a second showing of one of my top 10 favorite movies, Waiting to Exhale, since none of the girls present had seen it. This really, really excites me! Here is a list of previous ladies movie night selections:

  • Waiting to Exhale: paired with soul food 
  • R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet: Not only did we watch all 23 chapters, but only the dirtiest, guiltiest, and greasiest foods were allowed that night.


Church's fried chicken and biscuits

  • The Craft: This one was actually food free because.... well, what the hell could we have eaten besides Kraft mac & cheese. We did end the night dancing in a circle to Toto's, Africa, which was beyond epic.



  • The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia: It was night of white trash heaven with three types of Frito pie, cheese curls, and bean dip straight out of the can 
  • Selena: Tex-Mex theme with enchiladas, Stayten's famous seven layer dip, and more queso then we knew what to do with. 
  • Mannequin: This one was kind of a stretch for food, but since it was filmed in Philadelphia we went with Philly cheese steaks. MEAT!


I hope to see all my lovely ladies next time!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It's Tuesday....

and I'm still in love. Here are some loverly tidbits for you:

  • Last week I left a bottle of Merlot in BBC's car and the cork popped out due to the heat. He was a little upset, but it didn't leave that big of a stain and I will be steam cleaning it out shortly. He was mostly mad about the smell of booze, but after I told him that I thought it smelled more like Grandy's biscuits than a wino, we made up and decided to take a small road trip to the Buda area to eat at the last remaining Grandy's in Austin. More accurately, what we thought was the last Grandy's in the Austin area, which we quickly learned has been long gone. Our Sunday lunch wasn't ruined by our biscuits and gravy expectations, but we are now planning a road trip to the DFW area to get our Grandy's fix.
  • My sweetie is sick right now. He's going through some flu-like symptoms: fatigue, body ache, sickie tummy. This is the first time he's been sick since we've been shacking up, and I feel so bad for him. I'm frequently ill and prefer to have someone be nice to me, but ultimately I just want to be left alone with a cozy bed and a hot bubble bath. So far Brandon has been self sufficient in terms of his treatment, but is unnaturally "amorous" if you get my drift. I think I will be enacting a "no nookie until you don't pukey" policy. I only have his health in mind, naturally.
  • I'm a single mother of two wonderful kitties. We haven't lived with their father in over 5 years and still call BBC "Uncle Brandon." Well, I think I finally snagged them a new daddy! BBC wants to be their daddy. I feel like there should be some ritual or ceremony to make the adoption official. I mean, after all, how confusing is it when your uncle becomes your daddy? This isn't Mississippi.


Margarita faces