Monday, April 30, 2012

Weekend Wrap-up

  • This is how I feel today, except I'm wearing a dress, not a tie.

  •  This morning, Jessica referenced this Rhianna songs as being like my love life:

         I think my love life might be more like this Rhianna song at the moment:

         I'm not entirely sure I like Rhiana.
  • I am patiently waiting for my turn to get to be Beyonce. I would really like that. I mentioned this Thursday night at Trailer Space and was eloquently schooled by Mack, "Don't be Beyonce, be Be-You-Eh?"
  • I saw a squirrel's face on Saturday; adorable nose, long black whiskers, cute little mouth... The face was on AT's back porch and had been eaten off from the rest of the body. It's was pretty disgusting.
  • I'm back on steroids.... beware!
  • Saturday, at the 11th annual Eastside Boil, Julia peeled and ate her first crawfish!
JJ, Caroline, LD, and Matt

  • Sunday was baby Calipee's baby shower. It was great seeing Meredith and Raf for one last backyard cookout before the kiddo comes.  I fell in love with their chickens, Maggie and Kate. They were the fluffiest and friendliest hens I've ever met.

Maggie on the left, and lovely laced Kate on the right

  •  And now, for the madness that is the month of May-hem. It's gonna be a big month for me, so I better rest up!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Mas Musica

So far, it is looking like the summer of music. Today I bought tickets to the following shows:

Lil Kim

Salt N Pepa
When I was in the 2nd grade I got in trouble for singing Let's Talk About Sex. I didn't have the slightest clue what the song was about, yet I knew every word.

Jesco White
Drinkin', dancin', fightin', fuckin'..... don't feed this guy slimy, sloppy eggs, y'all!

Pierced Arrows
What can I say? McVay (9 year relationship from hell) was in love with Kelly Halliburton and had the most intense man crush I've ever witnessed. As a result, I have a bit of a crush and I'm also gaga for Severed Head of State. The last time Pierced Arrows were in town, I had a smooching session with Kelly in the bathroom of Love Joys. While I would love a round two, I suspect the accidental BF wouldn't approve. 

Municipal Waste
I remember when these guys went on their first tour some time around 2001. They were all about 18 and I was hit on by no less then 3 members of the band, all of whom used the same line, "Buy me a beer and let me pork you?" Back then they were hardcore for your little brother. Now they're just fucking hard!

I adore Robyn and my other Robyn-loving ladies and I will be dancing our boo-tays off!

Meat Loaf
Meat Loaf is the Texas Bruce Springsteen and we both went to the same college. Go Eagles!

Tom Petty is sold out, which I guess is okay, because I don't really have hundreds of dollars to spend. Even though Tom Petty is on my bucket list of musicians to see live, these tickets were over $100 months ago and there was just no way I could justify that expense. Enjoy Austin, Tom!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Freaky Thursday

In the latest Nasty Girls Club news, May is going to be nutZ!

Friday, May 11th Lil Kim at Emo's

Saturday, May 12th Salt N Pepa at Belmont

I will be busting out the booty shorts and crossing my fingers for a busted booty brunch Sunday morning with En Vogue. A girl can dream, right?!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Tuesday Tidbits

  • I miss Stayten!
  • Today I had an appointment with my favorite doctor. He's great at remembering tidbits of information about my life, working around my hatred of steroids and love of hydrocodone, and is generally amazing at his job. Today he thought it would be interesting to browse my weight history for the last five years. In February of 2007 I weighed 135 pounds, 137 in February 2011, and 151 in February of this year. He told me that 30 year old women need to monitor their beer intake if they want to maintain "a pleasant weight," and I'm just going to assume he was telling me random information rather than a personal suggestion to stop getting fat.
  • I want to live in the water this summer... live at the beach, soak up the sun... booze, beach, fun!
  • I was ridiculously excited when I found out Meat Loaf would be playing this summer at the ACL Moody Theater. As if that wasn't enough, now Robyn will be playing the day before! It's going to be a magical summer, I can feel it:

Robyn is the cutest, ever. Cute Robyn gifs HERE

  • Amazon prime is amazing: free 2 day shipping on most items with membership! I've practically stopped going to the store for anything other than "food". Last week I bought tampons, cat litter, gum, bubble bath, wrapping paper, three presents for friends, and a vacuum. 
  • Yesterday I received a robot phone call survey requesting my opinion on the upcoming presidential election. There is no doubt that it was from Mitt Romney's campaign. Here are some of the questions I was asked and my answers:
    • Would you identify yourself as a member of the Tea Party? NO
    • Do you believe the liberal media is influencing the public to vote for Barrack Obama? NO
    • Are you doing better then you were four years ago? YES
    • Do you think stay at home mothers have a full time job? NO
    • If you had to vote tomorrow, would you vote for Mitt Romney? NO
    • Would you like to pay more taxes? NO, duh!
    • Would you identify yourself as pro-life? NO, you're annoying me stupid robot!
    • I'm sorry, we didn't understand your last response. Please respond with simply Yes or No. (This is when I hung up) 

Single Mother of Two

... cats. That's right, I'm a single mother of two cats and today my eldest turns 12.
I definitely feel too young to have a 12 year old! Happy birthday Boris.
Waking up next to my handsome boy

 He has a very conspicuous nipple, which inspired me to start a cat nip slip Tumblr.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Tuesday Tidbits on Friday

  • Apparently, "not toasted" sounds exactly the same as "toasted" when ordering a bagel.
  • I've become itchier than normal lately, primarily on the tops of my feet and portions of my back that I'm unable to reach.
  • While returning an item to the UT Campus Computer store, I was schooled on regional Ebonics (bear with me as I will be typing phonetically). Supposedly you can tell what region of the south a person originates by the way they say everybody: errr-body vs. air-body
  • A couple weeks ago, in a moment too intimate to share, my accidental BF and I began pretending that I was carrying his child and starting calling the imaginary brat David Bowie. Last week we changed the name to and I think that was a brilliant idea.
  • My current favorite animal pictures: 
Pug secretary

Nikola Catsla

  • When referring to myself in the third-person, I typically use the name, "Fatty". In college, it was "Drunky". For example, "Fatty is really upset that Hole in the Wall no longer opens for lunch at 11am so Drunky can have a burger and beer for lunch on Fridays."
  • I know you are all wanting clarification, but NO, I did not eat two pieces of cake at today's staff appreciation luncheon. I only had 1.5 pieces! I don't really like sweet things, but I am weak when it comes to lemon curd and this cake was filled with it. 
  • In December Julia, Stayten and I were obsessed with the Gotye song, Somebody I Used To Know. I'm probably still a little obsessed with it as it's the story of my last breakup... right down to my friends picking up my records and all the whiny, complaining requests to "be friends". So when Beth sent this to me, I couldn't help but wish I wrote the article: America's Number One Pop Song Reads Like a Crap Email From a Dude.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Stay Stayten, Stay

Nine months ago I met one of my newest best friends, Stayten. She escaped from Bryan College Station and moved into my old bedroom at the Emilaurison legacy house with Julia and Alison (currently Casa Tomellows). We all instantly fell in love with her (and her sweet, dumb cat, Merlin).

Stay and Mer
Today Stayten is moving to Houston and it bums me out pretty hard. She accepted an awesome job offer and is excited about the move, so I'm trying to be excited for her. The last week has been a last effort to fit in all the fun we can before she abandons me: bar hopping, taco-eating, beer pounding, and beach living. 

Beach shenanigans with BBC, LD, Staytie

This past Friday, we had a going away party at Rio Rita and I made Frito pie cupcakes per Stayten's request. They turned out pretty good... yum!

With my girl!
Jacob, LD, Stayten
Striking poses
More vogue-in

Last night we said our farewells over a dinner of asparagus, salami, pickles, Lone Star, and chili lime-flavored chips. I'm sad about losing my girl, but I know Stayten will be visiting Austin often, I now have more reason to head out to Houston to visit my family, and we're planning a righteous beach house party for the summer!

Multi tasking: Stayten cooking, drinking a beer, and
eating a sandwich
My farewell present, Merle the squirrel sheriff

I love you, girl. It certainly won't be the same without you.....

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Computer, Schmaputer schmemail would certainly sound better, but nothing is wrong with my email and I seem to be having terrible computer luck.

A couple of months ago my laptop fell out of my bike basket and it is now completely useless. Yesterday, upon arriving to work 30 minutes late, my computer wouldn't turn on. It will be a couple of days (I fear an entire week) before I'm up and running again and in the meantime I feel like I'm being held captive on a deserted island with little contact to the inter-webbed world. I don't have the slightest clue what Netflix movies are coming my way, I can't post my latest cat nipple pictures to my Tumblr, my GoodReads book status is painfully out of date, I'm having Pinterest withdrawals, and my blog will be neglected while I await the new smart box.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Stalker is Born

The stars have aligned and I suddenly have the opportunity to meet two of my celebrity crushes. Granted, it comes at a cost, but the obsessive stalker in me is truly considering paying that price. It isn't as though I think they would fall madly in love with me, wine and dine me, plop a 4 carat Asscher cut vintage diamond ring on my finger, and live happily ever after on our palatial estate should they meet me. I'm being realistic here.... I just want to get close enough to smell 'em.

So, who's on my list? Here are my top 5, in no particular order (lest they see my list), and my scent predictions:

Phil Collins- probably smells like gin

Rick Rubin- probably smells like fresh-cut
grass and peanut butter

Dirk Nowitzki- I suspect he smells salty

David Letterman- probably smells like a pine forest,
or perhaps garlicky

Steve Martin- I'm just certain he smells like
the beach

And who is rounding out the top ten, you ask?

Alexander Skargard- mmmmmmm, I suspect he smells like
the sexist scent in existence. 

Chevy Chase- "woodsy"

Daniel Craig- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say
that he probably reeks of Old Spice 

Super Dave Osborne- definitely smells like pizza

Daniel Day Lewis- Calvin Klein,
Obsession (for women)

And in closing, please help me raise $1,500 so I can meet Phil Collins and Dirk Nowitzki!!!!!!!

Texas State Historical Society's book signing & reception with
Phil Collins, May 9th $495

Meet & great with Dirk, tour of locker room & practice
space, autographed jersey, and 2 catered-suite tickets,
April 20th $1,000

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Weezy Wednesday

This Weezy Wednesday isn't in honor of 'lil Wayne... my breathe is completely taken away by how many people are viewing my blog! Who are you people? More importantly, thanks!

Todays Stats

Tail and Bindle

I woke up around 5am this morning to the sound of my front door slowly creeping open. I was sure it wasn't an apprehensive intruder, yet was still too afraid to look myself. So, I made my accidental BF go check, as he was likely the one who forgot to lock the door. Sure enough nobody was breaking in, but my sweet little calico kitty, Cecilia, was breaking out!  (I use the term little loosely since she's 20lbs) BBC coaxed her to return to her rightful home, but I couldn't help feeling like she was running away with a bindle attached to her tail without even kissing her mum goodbye.

Cecilia reading Gone With the Wind

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Tidbit Catch Up

I haven't blogged in over a week. I guess I've been too busy livin', y'all! So, here are some tidbits to catch you up with my life.

  • Dear Friends, don't swim in filthy water. And if you must, don't urinate in it. JJ and I both got sick after the religious experience in the church fountain last weekend. I was blessed with a hellacious UTI, which quickly turned into a kidney infection exacerbated by my chronic illness. I am certainly beginning to question what the Lord's plan was for my affliction, but fortunately with the help of medical science I was healed after a few restless days sick at home. I spent a lot of time home, sick, and mopey last week. That's all I'm going to say about that!
  • Good Friday was certainly good to me! BBC, Stayten and I spent the day at the Colorado River beach and had a blast. Here's an Instagram photo essay:

Puppy chin nibbles

BBC, LD, Stayten

Our newest friend Brooke, the backflip-at-the-beach-bitch
who is red hot gorgeous and sunbathes on a golden
satin comforter.

Sarah the dog being burried by her mum. She loved this, but
hated pretzels.

BBC and the LD's booooo-tay

Stayten in a hippy hammock

  • JJ and I started off another Saturday with beers, tacos, and Frito pie at Tamale house. It's nearly impossible for me to sleep past 7am on a Saturday regardless of what time I fell asleep the night before, so it's really nice to have an early morning breakfast buddy. Also, starting a Saturday off with JJ usually means an epic day-drinking, sunshine soaked, bicycle booze cruise. Stayten and Ryan joined the caravan at Clementine before we headed to Rio Rita for the cocktail hour with BBC and Julia. 
  • Saturday night was a debaucherous blast with The Golden Boys record release party at Red 7 and I got to see lots of faces that I love. Gina, Bridget, Tofte and I danced until the sweat was dripping off my back. Perhaps Tofte and I had a little too much fun, since both of us passed out on a couch at some point through the night. It was nice to know I could just take a quick nap and then be whisked away by BBC.

Kisses from Tofte

  • Sunday was a slow moving day for me. I slept until noon, which is just a testament to the hangover I had since I'm normally bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7am. Pam and Wells had a delicious Easter BBQ with deviled eggs, burgers, pineapple margaritas, Amy's ice cream cake (my contribution), champies, and an easter egg hunt. Technically, I found the most eggs at the hunt (11), but since I also had the most rotten eggs (filled with cat food and Band-Aids) I automatically lost. I had a really lovely time.
  • After Pam's, I rushed over to Yellow Jacket in hopes of petting some baby goats at the Easter petting zoo, but was too late. There were plenty of puppies to hold my attention, however, and I even got to see the Easter bunny!

Hoppy Easter, y'all!

  • Last Easter Beth, Matt, and I hung out with our families in Houston and they surprised me with an Easter basket and gifts. This year Beth went to Houston alone, but she didn't forget the basket!!!! She came straight to Yellow Jacket from Houston and I ate candy while the boys played with Easter toys. It was fun. Look at this amazing Peep diorama! 

Inspired by Botticelli's Birth of Venus

Monday, April 2, 2012

The Gospel

I'm not a religious person. I wouldn't even say that I was spiritual. I'd even go so far as to say that I pity those who are religious, however, I had quite a gospel-inspired Sunday!

JJ, Matt, and I started out our morning with tacos and beers. Unfortunately, I forgot that Tamale House was closed on the sabbath and we ended up having a very uninspiring breakfast at Paco's Tacos before making the most of our sunny day swimming. We had some outdoor, clawfoot bathtub soaking time and lots of laying out in the sun with beers while signing negro-spiritual inspired gospel songs. To be completely honest, I think JJ and I are a musically dynamic team when it comes to rapping, chopping & screwing, country songs, children tunes, and now gospel music. We should put out a generally offensive, multiple music genre album.

Our next stop on Sunday's God-inspired train wreck was Church's chicken with Matt and Ashley! I had one and a half pieces of fried chicken, 3 biscuits, mashed potatoes, and cole slaw. I don't eat chicken much because it freaks me out for unexplainable reasons, but our fried fowl feast was heavenly.

After Church's we decided to take the plunge and baptize ourselves in the water of the Lord at the Promise Land church off 51st street. I suppose that technically it wasn't a "pool" nor did the hands of God wash away our sins, but we sang more gospel music, drank some beers, and I peed in the holy waters of Christ. Our worship pool is now my favorite place to go swimming and we're thinking about grillin' some weenies fountain-side for Easter Sunday. Bring the kiddos!

JJ can't quite walk on water, but he's a great floater!
Note to self: don't take bathing suit photos after eating so
much Church's chicken!