Thursday, December 8, 2011

Liver Spots and Burger Slots

Last night I was having yet another pity party, which seems to be the overall theme of my 2011 holiday season. I was bemoaning the year and begging for a do-over. Now, as the sun has risen on a new day I take it all back. This has actually been a great year for me! Sure, it was emotionally hard and dramatic, but I've had much worse years and the bottom line is that I've taken out more trash this year than I ever have in my entire life (and that's saying a lot). That is a success! 2011 will go down in my personal history as the year of the garbage lady... so if you're outta my life (and if you are you surely wouldn't be reading this), you can kindly consider yourself human rubbish... good riddance.

Here are some pouty things that acted as party favors to my little grump fest last night.

  • I'm so tempted to put out personal ads for old men looking for a young cutie to take out to dinner, buy pretty things for, give a car to, and compliment incessantly. In return, I will offer kisses and company. Hell, it's not likely, but I might even be willing to have the sex if I so chose to. It's kind of funny that I'm completely frustrated by Peter Pan men who are in their 30s and are living in a Never Never Land experiencing youth revisited. I feel like that lifestyle is only possible here in Austin; fueled by celebri-tards, hipster socialites, and a never ending population of 22 year olds willing to put up with such antics. Having said that, I'm completely willing to play that 22 year old role to a 40+ something man.... Hell, I wanna relive my adolescence too, but this time instead of shitty vodka, Jack in the Box, and schwag weed I want champagne, oysters, and day trips to Fredericksburg. 
  • I think I may be getting a liver spot. Either that or I have a mutant freckle that is slowly trying to take over my face. It's large and close to my ear. I guess if I was really concerned I'd simply make an appointment with my Dermatologist, but I prefer complaining and inaction.

  • When complaining about my upcoming 30th birthday a friend tried to cheer me up by suggesting that I am about to come into my "sexual peak." Ugh, that's going to be a nightmare!
  • Last night I asked my best friend, JJ, to marry me and he said, "sure." The best thing about this wedding is that we both agree on the catering. We want a Frito pie buffet with a chili fountain. Magical!
  • Dallas has stolen half of the Vest Friends. Both Audra and Jamie are now editors at the Dallas Observer (Audra- Music, Jamie- Culture). I'm a little heartbroken, but I now have more reason to visit Dallas, which I kind of enjoy: Maverick's games, Grandmother, and my favorite record and junk shop off I-35.
  • I'm even too old for Jack Nicholson to date. I love Jack Nicholson with Anjelica Huston! Take a look at some old photos of the couple:

This picture displays how I want to live my life! Bikinis, records
and rich, happy, old men in bathrobes.

  • Last night I watched this video and really wanted a hamburger. My favorite part is the folding of the burger in half.

That'll do for now....

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