Saturday, December 3, 2011

Gun Control

I like to view last night as a slight emotional roller coaster, but overall it was a good ride.

My evening started off with my mum calling me to share her excitement about the "power suit" she purchased me for Christmas. No, it isn't a navy blue pant suit with large shoulder pads that is paired with pearls and cream colored pumps. Instead, this single 30 year old gal with two cats (ME) will be getting her first girdle this year! In all fairness these are Spanx and I've only heard amazing things about them, but the principle behind the gift left me feeling emotionally fragile and very thankful that my mother couldn't contain her excitement for Christmas morning. I can only imagine that my reaction to a "tummy-tucking, tush-lifting, slim-maker" would begin with tears and end in the ruining of baby Jesus's birthday celebration.

Apparently girdles make for happy women!

My reaction to the girdle gift was certainly normal for anyone who fears getting fat and the other unattractive side effects of aging. First I broke out the cheese and then, while still on the phone with my mother, I purchased a Groupon for Botox. Yes, I paid $113 for 200 units of Botox, but it also comes with a $500 off coupon for additional cosmetic surgery!
Do I have wrinkles? NO!
Do I need Botox? No!
Did the purchase make me feel as pretty and youthful as a 32 year-old man feels when he sleeps with a 22 year-old airhead? YES!
And that, my friends, is all I needed last night. Have no fear. I told about 10 of my best ladies about my Botox purchase and only 1 of them didn't call me crazy (Thank you Stayten for being supportive!). This morning I requested a refund and, surprisingly, they will let me have my money back! I apologize to the handful of you gals who were hoping to get my Botox coupon as a Christmas gift.

My night only got better (and not in the sarcastic sense):

-While bidding my adieu to the lovely Jen Beaty and her charming new husband, I fell in love with the gypsy sounds of Winovino. Julia and Stayten suggested that I book them for my upcoming 30th Bar Mitzvah and I approached the trumpeter for booking details only to learn that he is also a member of the "top Jewish events band in Austin." Needless to say, Mozel Tov Cocktail will be playing at my birthday party.

-Lela presented Julia and I with matching Christmas presents.

Marcel the Shell the book!

and the book is signed by both Jenny Slate and Dan Fleischer-Camp. I'm absolutely thrilled about this as Marcel the Shell is pretty much the story of my life! I read it out loud to my kitties as soon as I got home! Here's the movie if you don't have the slightest clue about what greatness I'm referring to:


-After celebrating the awesomeness of the Christmas gift giving season, the girls and I searched out some late night grub and beer. I introduced Stayten and Julia to Verts and was so happy to see those gals enjoying the deliciousness of house sauce.

nom nom

-I've always hated this Robyn song:


but I just discovered that it's a Prince cover song and now I'm able to like it!


No comments: