Monday, December 19, 2011

A Bit of Heart

I love Jacqueline Susann. I know she was a hot mess, but she was a success; pure, simple, and true to herself throughout the entire journey. I'm not sure if I'd call her a role model, but I definitely find her inspirational. That being said, my favorite Jackie story comes from the Barbara Seaman biography, Lovely Me. Ethel Merman is quoted as saying, and I paraphrase, that when Jackie loved you, by God, you knew it! She also adds that when you crossed her you would never forget it. I'd like to hope that when I'm gone I leave my friends with a similar feeling. If I love you, you know it. And if you cross me, while I'm probably one of the easiest people in the world to apologize to, if I can't forgive you, you will certainly lose the benefits of being a part of my heart.

That story makes me think of all the years I've been friends with Alison; since high school. She is one of my oldest friends and I truly feel like I understand her as well as she understands herself. Furthermore, I feel like that closeness is returned and that she understands me as well as I understand my own self. There's no want for honesty in our relationship; perhaps trepidation at times, but no want for honesty. And, while we've had our fair share of ups, downs, ins, and outs, the bottom line is I feel more comfortable telling her that I love her than anybody else in my life. I use Alison as an example here, because we both have been upset and hurt by each other in the 10+ years we've been friends, but regardless of how long our standoff might last, we always make up through sincerity. She tells me 'how it is' and I return the favor. This is the same relationship I have with all of my dear girlfriends. I cherish it!

I present my feelings about Alison not only because I find that they are the most simplistic to describe, but because the last two weeks have been very hard on me and she has spotted that landscape of pain with pretty little daisies. I feel like I need to write about my two week cry-a-thon in order to move on...

For ease of description, I give you a list of the things that have been tugging at my emotions lately:

  • I'm having a ridiculous time accepting the fact that I will be turning 30. I know it doesn't change any of the wonderful things about my life, yet I still feel like turning 30 will be tantamount to hitting life's dead end. I've recently adopted a terrible outlook on aging and I desperately wish I could be young, thin, and beautiful again... but with the knowledge I currently have. Wishing for the impossible is sure to hurt your resolve.
  • Romantic comedies exploit the holiday season as a rough one for the single. I've never felt like it was a realistic notion, yet I am depressed about being single this time of year. Last Christmas goes down in my memory as one of my favorites and I fear this one will make me sad in comparison. I keep telling myself that I don't have any other option for Christmas except visiting my family and that is why I should feel sad. I love my family and am excited about spending time with all of them, but keep reflecting on the things that cause me emotional stress instead of celebrating paid time off work! Last Christmas I met my ex's parents for the first time and fell in love with them. We had a dinner with a house full of friends and it was reflective of the life I want for myself. It was just a moment in time and I remember how great I felt inside while forgetting that majority of the memories in that relationship made me unhappy. I'm falling into line with Hollywood's plan to make me sad for being single when I should be eager about kissing strangers under mistletoe.
  • I've gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving and this really, really upsets me.
  • I was surprisingly upset by Greg's friend's suicide in Oakland last week. It brings up so many emotions on death, fear of leaving unsettled business, unaccomplished goals, fear of aging, and it forces me to look at my own unhappiness and wonder about why people kill themselves. 
  • I recently had the most exciting crush I've experienced in the last year and while our tryst didn't last very long, it brought out a lot of old emotions from the last time I ended a relationship.
  • I feel like I was uninvited to a friend's birthday party that I had been looking forward to and participating in the planning of for several months. I can't resolve my emotions on whether I feel hurt, jerked around, or if I should move on and just blame myself for not being open and honest enough. I never feel left out and pride myself on that social maturity, but... once again it is another thing that brings up sore emotions from my last relationship.
  • One of my friends, who happens to be my medical inspiration, is going through some very serious and intense medical things right now. Actually, two of my friends will be going through some big deal shit in the coming months. One is chartered territory and I'm confident everything will go smoothly, but it's just a crappy and unfortunate situation. The other, has always been so inspiring with his strength. We share diseases in the same family, yet he has such grace under fire where as I frequently get frustrated, vent to friends, and have some days where I feel weak and self-loathing. It's upsetting to me, but I know if anybody can get through it, he can.
  • Half of my comedy troupe, Vest Friends, are living in Dallas. I'm so excited for Jamie and Audra to be advancing their lives in positive directions. It's even more exciting that they are both able to do it together. I'm jealous. I still feel upset about not getting my dream job in Philadelphia and, even though I've always loved Austin and my job, I feel like this town may not be right for me anymore and I fear that I may be stuck here at the the same time.
  • Last week the ex emailed me. Sometimes it feels like every single time he comes into my life it's like a backhoe ripping apart the life garden I'm trying to plant for myself. This time, however, I was pretty hard on myself for letting it upset me so much. No matter how deeply and innocently I loved him, he is nothing more than toxic for me. There has to come a time when you no longer allow someone else to have power over your emotions. I think this is, essentially, the life lesson I'm going to have to learn.  

So, for the above-referenced reasons, I've been emotionally drained and highly stressed for the last two weeks. This weekend fixed it all even though it was the height of my sobbing. I have the most amazing women in my life!!!

Friday night I stayed home and cried until my throat was sore and my eyes were swollen. Jamie, on the other hand, who was to be my pity party guest of honor didn't allow herself to get down and, rather, went out and had one of the best nights of her life. I'm inspired. The next time I feel like staying home and moping I'm going to put on my favorite heels, prettiest skirt, and make a night for myself even if it is just to walk to Wendy's to get a frosty.

Saturday I found motivation in the company of Gina and Catherine. Yet, when I was left to my own devices later that night I once again fell into the funk I felt Friday night. Jamie, Andrea, and Anne were there to pull me out of it. Firstly, I feel like a wimp having Jamie console me when I should be her rock right now. Secondly.... I LOVE ANNE! I can't tell you one thing Anne has said or done to shake me out of my funk, but that woman is every bit of who she is every single second and I adore it. I have no reason to apologize for who I am and, personally, I think I'm pretty damn great!

Sunday evening was Jamie's farewell dinner party at Anne's house and it polished off a rough weekend with more reaffirmation of just exactly what I want for myself.

Celebrating the awesome that Jamie is!

Thank you Pam, Jamie, Anne, Alison, Julia, Stayten, Karen, Gina, JJ, Catherine, Avan, Lela, Tofte, and Andrea for providing support to me this weekend in ways that are as unique, genuine, and caring as each one of you beautiful ladies (and John) are. I learned that it isn't selfish to only allow the people who love and adore you to be a part of your life. I truly am so lucky to have found so many amazing, inspirational, and outstanding women who fully love and support all that I am and all that I do. And, more importantly, embrace the 'crazy' that I sometime exude and help bring it down to the healthy level that makes me the 'take it or leave it' woman I once was and have every right to be! I truly hope that you each feel the warmth of my love for you. 

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