Monday, August 1, 2011

What Does August Mean?

Too many thoughts, too many tantrums!!! I just had a fit that scared the kitties. It didn't work for me because I'm too in control to smash things, but I'd love to break something that sounds like, "crash".

My resolve is completely down right now; I'm not me and I want me back! I called and cried to my doctor today. I'm done with his medicines. I'm done. I've never felt sicker or more isolated in the 17 years I've been diseased. I've dealt with pain for years and it has never caused as much stress as my medical situation has for the last 8 months. August means I'm over! If I'm not healthy I can fake it as well as I ever did.

I called my mum after work to vent some and just couldn't open up to her. It was a strange feeling, but then she told me I was too sick to come to her house and visit because one of her 13 cats has an infectious disease and the vet said that with my compromised immune system I could catch leprosy or TB from him. (questionable in my opinion, but I felt rejected nonetheless) (oh, double parenthesis: someone at my second job was just diagnosed with TB and I feel silly for being worried, but am gonna get tested. I thought people didn't get that anymore, but the Health and Human Services people are kind of freaking out about it). Anyhow, I think my mum could tell something was up with me that she wasn't gonna get to the bottom of, so she handed the phone over to my dad and I cried his ear off for an hour.

The great thing about a step-father, is that they chose you. He didn't have to love me or be so kind, but he chose to. He knew what was making me sad before I was even able to get the words out. He has gout and terrible asthma and told me I've been scarred medically; that it's unfortunate that I somehow have always placed people in my life that weren't supportive or caring with regards to illness. I tried to explain that it's my fault because I know I've chosen them to help me feel stronger. Every long term relationship I've had has been with someone who just doesn't understand chronic illness; who thinks all you need is a  positive mental attitude to maintain health. I don't ask for help because I hate feeling sick all the time. I never let anybody really know how bad things were if I didn't have to. Even now I know that things aren't bad compared to others out there, but I've just been broken down and don't have the strength to deal with this shit anymore. I just have doctors that are desperately trying to solve something nobody has solved and I feel like I've been their guinea pig since November.

My dad has a way of always making me feel better. I didn't feel out of control crying or hypersensitive. I just felt like someone was trying to hug me over the phone and that they understood everything I felt, even the things I cant place into words. I need to stop feeling like nobody understands, because I haven't had a single friend act with anything but sympathy.

So, what does August mean to me?

-I'm not going to take steroids ever again.
-No more moping about being sick (heard that one before?)
-I'll schedule and pay for the GRE in September.
-I'm only one month away from breaking ground on the construction of my new teeth.
-I'll buy a car in December whenever I'm finally out of credit card debt.

I may not have gotten the summer of ME that I wanted, but August is still summertime, so... August will be for ME! I need to do something big and important; something substantial, yet still overall meaningless to me. Here are my choices:

-Adopt a chicken, pigeon, dog, or guinea pig
-Move to Philadelphia
-Throw myself a bachelorette party (after all, I'm a bachelorette)
-Become a big brother/big sister
-Paint my apartment
-Spend Thanksgiving in England, Oakland, or Mexico
-Create an online dating profile with tons of truth and 'crazy.' (In 12 days it will have been 6 months since my break up. He's not coming back to me. He's moved on. I can't move on and it's pointless to 'save myself' for him. I've been all talk about dating and haven't given it a real try yet and "waiting until I'm ready" has just been my excuse to stay available for the ex. I've only had 2 dates and have blown off any other offers I've had. I never had any intentions of going out with poor Mark the mailman or Chocolate Tony. He's not coming back to me because he didn't want me to begin with; I need to move on, but can still love him while I look for someone who will love me.)
-Buy a new couch
-Change my name
-Sign up to be a mail-order bride or sponsor for an exchange student.
-New tattoo
-Cover all the windows in my apartment with dental X-rays
-Solo vacation
-Broken Spoke, Sock Hop, Dance Dance Party Party!!

We'll just have to wait and see what the month brings me.

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