Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Facts About LD

It's Wednesday, woot toot!

Speaking of toots, I never fart. I'm sure many of your know this, but it should be a common fact about me. I only wrinkle, and that happens on rare occasions.

Another common fact about yours truly is that I'm really good at winning things. Last night I won a free pass to the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival. As this is Austin, it's a requisite that there be a festival of some sorts weekly. Today marks the beginning of OOB and I'm excited to say that I won't be paying to see the shows I already had planned to see! Also, I get a +1, so at least one of my Vest Friends won't have to pay either. I'm most excited about seeing Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting tomorrow. Firstly, they're ladies so that appeals to me and secondly, their humor is broadly driven (haha, lady pun?) and I like that not everything has to be sexualized. I feel like most female comics are sort of pigeon holed into over-sexing everything. Granted, I love sexuality and associated humor, but do we all have to be sluts?! Well, the answer to that is, "yes, it's funnier that way!" That being said, watch this Christmas video from 2009:

Fact #3: Internet dating is getting on my nerves and I think I'm done with it, but let's at least finish out this week first since I have a date with Mario tonight. It should be great since Cara is all knowing and is pretty sure there won't be a connection! However, I'm hoping it's magic night at Nomad and we at least get to participate in a card trick.

Exciting tooth fact: Eeeeep, I'm so excited!!! Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment (the first of many) to begin work on my new teeth! The work won't be finished until October, but it's still very exciting for me. I've wanted this since 2000, so it's a little unreal to me that in a month and a half I'll be smiling pretty! Here are two pictures of my friends' teeth that I am bringing along with me, because I want grillz like theirs.

Lovely Lacey with her purrrfect smile!

Avan's Awesome grill!

Final fact: My new favorite thing to say is, "I'm too skinny to eat <insert food item here>." It's actually working out great! Jessica told me about free breakfast tacos last week and my response was, "I'm too skinny to eat tacos." Last night at my lady/baby date I turned down chocolate by saying, "I'm too skinny to eat candy." Trust me on this one, it works as motivation much better than telling myself, "Hey fatty, you shouldn't eat more cheesecake because you'll just get fatter." It's like a positive reinforcement for having lost 19 pounds since July! Oh guys, I'm trying to get 1 more off, just to make it an even 20, but I think I'm at my me weight so I'll just have to round up ;) !

Okay, so those are all the facts I can think of. Well, I did eat two sticks of string cheese today, so there's one last fact for you.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Monday, 1st Day!

Oh Monday, as the new week begins I reflect on my weekend.....
This heat is making me miserable! I refuse to turn my A/C higher than 76 and it was 90 degrees in my house on Saturday. Whenever I do go out in the heat (109 on Saturday and 111 on Sunday) I can only take a few minutes before I start feeling faint. I've fainted at least once a week since we've been in this triple digit heat wave. I'm a Texas girl who prefers hot to cold any day, but this weekend was brutal. It looks like we'll have at least another week of this heat, so if you don't find me at work, I'll be planted in front of my air conditioning unit with ice cold beer reinforcements.

Let's see, to catch up since I last blogged Wednesday...

I'm going to skip my Wednesday date recap, but here is a brief assessment: I don't want Dr. Jeff to be my boyfriend, but I want to like him. He's dreamy and doesn't live in Austin, but I want to eat food with him and make out next time he is. Internet Andy actually frowned when he saw me Wednesday night and I've never felt older or fatter on a date; even when I was fatter! Needless to say, there won't be another date with him.

In more dating news, I have another internet-ish date on this upcoming Wednesday. I'm a little hesitant, but am going to give it a shot nonetheless. This is an ex of my gal-pal Cara who I met in person once, but we chatted it up online. She's not optimistic about a connection, for reasons I completely agree with, but the date was already planned so I didn't want to cancel. So, we'll see how those drinks go. Also, I went out on a limb Sunday and told a friend that I had a crush on him. Bwat, tat, TAH..... (that's supposed to be some high tension, thriller style musical effects.) I simply told him that when I see him I want to make out with him and he said he felt the same way! Eeep, it made me giddy. So, he's about to go on tour for two months and we're trying to squeeze in a date before he leaves, but I don't think it's going to pan out since I'm already full until Friday and he leaves Thursday. Would it be wrong just to ask him to come over to make out with me sometime this week after my dates?! (all dates, except Wednesday, are girlfriend dates, so that doesn't seem too sleazy to me) The bold dating Lauren from BA times (before Allen) is back! It only took 6 months of wallowing and 2 internet dates to get me running on that dating treadmill again.

Most of Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were spent preparing for the Red 7 Garage Sale on Sunday. I didn't see many people or go out much before then, but was able to really clean house and thin out my heard of sweaters. I hung out with Julia once or twice during the process, but mainly just stayed home. I love walking into a clean house that smells nice and feels cozy, but I had been too busy lately to clean it and was beginning to feel like my closet had burped clothes all over the place.

Saturday night, the Vest Friends had a very special sleepover planned at Jamie's new house in Lakeway. As the day was progressing, it was beginning to seem like we weren't going to be able to have our chaos camp-out after all. Two of our very special guests backed out, understandably, and then Jamie got a flat tire and was stranded at the Continental Club. Being stranded at the Continental Club with a flat sounds outrageous to me, considering it's full of hotrod-ing men. Apparently none of those jerks were willing or able to help out our sweet skirted Jamie. It took 3 hours to fix her flat (also 1 of the lug nuts was a different size than the remaining 3, which posed a problem). Just when we had resigned to not having our adventure, we decided to just head on out there, load up on beers, and have a normal ladies sleepover. It was great!! We had a lovely time eating snacks, adoring Gill the lovable dog and Harley the snugly cat, I curled up in a tauntaun sleeping bag at bedtime, and ate delicious bacon-wrapped yams for breakfast. It felt like a ladies vacation trip at a lake house.

Tauntaun!! The inside is patterned like guts!

Gill snuggles up with Julia in the morning.

It wasn't all fun and games. The Vest Friends wrote yet another sequel to Leprechaun, staring Paula Dean. So, Paula Dean... I don't really know the lady nor have I ever really watched any of her shows, but I know she's a butter lovin' southern chubby, and I think this video of her eating a lasagna sandwich pretty much tells me anything I need to know:

The Vest Friends have written a very special role for her in our Leprechaun sequel that I think she will love. It involves a rainbow made from food with a pot of boiling oil at the end for her to fry children in! Also, her skills might come in handy whenever Julia makes the Thanksgiving Nuggets she invented while we chilled out on Jamie's country porch.

Marcus, the dead blowfish, is the newest addition to my dead animal menagerie. He first belonged to Audra, then Jamie, and his happy new home is hanging from my ceiling above Marcel, my pickled, dead, baby octopus.

Sunday was the Red 7 Garage sale with the Golden Boys. Boy, did I have a blast there. I got to finally meet the newest roommate to move into the Emilaurison legacy house, Stayten. Not only is she lovely, but she's a blast and the proud momma of the adorable Merlin, who I like to call Meow-lin.

So handsome! He likes to eat people food, too!

Sure it was a hot day, but not so bad sitting in the dark Red 7 where the cold beer was on special and the BBQ was made by Tom and free. I liked the sausage, but didn't overindulge for fear of meat sweats. Beth made a killing at her booth and I had to even solicit her to sell my men's shirts for me since my table full of dresses turned all the men off. I went home $10 richer and made enough money to buy an adorable dress from Renate that fits me amazingly (because I tried it on in the middle of Red 7) and pay for the $20 of beer I drank. That's success to me. I still went home with lots of clothes, so Jessica can still play hoarders with me and pick out all her favorites from my rejects. And, as if that wasn't enough to make a girl happy, Pam stopped in and brought me a pigeon present!!

Coo, coo, it's love at 1st sight

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Wednesday Madness

-I've decided that it's time to change my scent. This makes sense to me (pun!) as I've been wearing the same vanilla shit since I was in high school and it smells too much like a stripper for me. I love the way my B.O. smells though, and I think it's important to be comfortable with those sort of things. I'd describe my stink as the smell of German chocolate cake sitting in a dug out hole of dirt. I wish there was a scratch and sniff function to blogging because I would rub my pits all up on the computer monitor to share with you lovelies! I found a bottle of "amber indulgence" body spray in my bathroom this morning and thought it smelled nice in the bottle. On me it kind of smells like Fruit Loops, so I'm going to have to experiment a little bit with other options.

-UT campus is crazy today! It's the first day of classes and I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people here. I can't wait until the new Freshman discover marijuana and stop attending classes so this heard can be thinned out a little bit. I'm not the only person losing their mind because of the bustling campus; today I saw people doing yoga and meditating in the trees! YES, in the trees! I don't know how to handle that and it nearly threw me into a roid rage even though I've been off the steroids for 2 months now. I just don't understand hippie-ness and it makes me feel irritated. Last Friday I rode into work on the bus with 1 other person. This morning my commute looked like this; standing room only:

-Look at the 5 second film from today:

-Jessica informed me of 2 very important things today. The first being that there was an earthquake in America yesterday. This was shocking news to me, but even more shocking to her that I hadn't heard about it. What can I say?! I'm out of the loop! The second, and more important, piece of news she introduced me to is that Kim Kardashian's mother made the following music video:

My initial response to this video was confusion until Jessica explained that I too would make an "I love my friends" music video in honor of my 30th birthday if I was rich and fabulous. So, that being said... get ready to star in my very own 30th birthday "I love my friends" music video because I'm throwing myself a 30th bar mitzvah and it will premier there. Sure you might say, "Lauren, why would you throw yourself a bar mitzvah? You're not Jewish or 13, and don't you mean bat mitzvah?" No, I don't. Firstly, I had a Quinceanera for my 27th birthday, so I think I can be 13 for my 30th if I want to. Secondly, I think it's about time that I get to be more like a man and I want my bar mitzvah to celebrate that. And in honor of me becoming more man-like, I give you the final video of today's blog:

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Trapped in Tuesday

-Last night I thought of a joke: you can tell you're too old to be single whenever you're more worried about getting bedbugs than STDs. After chuckling I thought, "I'm too young for this joke. I should give it to one of the older gals." Then I went into the bathroom to brush my nighttime dental mouth guard before heading to bed at 9:30pm and quickly realized I was plenty old enough for that joke.

-Ugh, how can I have two dates tomorrow?! I HATE dating! Dr. Jeff and Sexy McTatted Carpenter, Jr. Sure, JJ, AT, and both Emilies told me I'd have fun, but my inbox is overflowing with date requests. I thought I was too busy to date beforehand, but this internet shit makes my spare moments even more stressful. Also, I'm not this two date kind of girl. It seems sleezy and dishonest to me. I just want a sweet man to have fun with. Regardless, I have two dates tomorrow: #1 is Andy, the bearded, tattooed carpenter that plays banjo, shoots guns, and loves his 120lb dog. (I've always foreseen that there'd be a man in my life who loved a skinny bitch more than me!) We'll be happy houring with his beer snob recommendations. #2 is post cocktails after Dr. Jeff's UT awards banquet to celebrate receiving a $25,000 teaching excellence award.  

-I didn't get to see my baby Posey this week. I haven't seen her in over two weeks now! I know she's not my baby, but she's my fill of baby. It's my own fault. I got too lazy to bike in this overbearing heat for my lady/baby date tonight. 9 months ago I would have never thought I could like being around children this much. This summer Posey, Madelyn, and Astrid really warmed my icy heart. 

-I'm craving salty meats like Ruben sandwiches and beef jerky.

-My grandma called me today at work. Granted, she emailed me twice and called once yesterday and I hadn't responded to either. She said she was worried and asked how my mental state was. It's humorous, but I should be the one calling her to make sure she's still alive. Oh, I love that woman; she's cuckoo, but does it only out of love.

-It's only Tuesday, but I feel like I've been doing this week for a while now. Maybe that's because I've been working hard at both jobs and with school starting/fiscal year ending the hectic pace has interrupted my apathy. 

-Ooooooo Oh, I'm looking forward to my weekend too soon! It's more than four days away, but I can't wait until Saturday. We're going to have an all-day/all-night ladies event at Jamie's new house way out in the country and I'm so excited. A chaos camp-out sleepover with some of my favorite gals; The Vest Friends, Lela, and Tofte! There are sure to be stories, but as this is a public forum they'll be too scandalous to detail.

So, until tomorrow...
Please keep your fingers crossed that this single gal can pull off being a dating lady!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Monday Memo

It's Monday, but I wish it could be Saturday for a few more days. I had a lovely weekend! My nights were low key and my days were full.

Beth's father came into town this weekend and Beth, Gina, and I happy houred with him Friday evening and then went swimming in the hotel pool. The water was nice and the happy hour was free, so that worked out great! Afterwards I stopped by and had a drink with Julia before heading home. I was feeling so worn out Friday night and I'm not sure why, but I was in bed early.

Saturday was another beach day. YAY! I lived in Florida as a kid for a couple of years and we spent every weekend we could at the beach. Actually, this holds true for growing up near Galveston as well. My mum was a single mother of two so it was the cheapest way to entertain us: bucket of KFC chicken, capri sun, and the beach. I still love spending the day at the beach. Saturday I went with Ms. Emily, the newest League City transplant to Austin. We had a lovely time and fell asleep on the sand while talking, girls sleep over style. She's going to make a lovely addition to my lady circle! Afterwards I went home and crashed hard. I took a late nap and just kept on sleeping into the night. The sun just takes it out of me, but I love outdoor days so it's worth the sacrifice. I've never kayaked, canoed, or gone tubing before, all things Emily is game for, so I'm hoping I'll keep having lovely outdoor weekends.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. I was wide awake at 4am since I had gone to bed before 9pm Saturday night. My day was pretty much wasted in anticipation of my 1st internet date with Dr. Jeff. Things went so much better than I had feared! The simplest things like walking into the room or saying, "Hi, Jeff?!" whenever we first met was making me so nervous. Everything just sort of worked itself out and this was only the 3rd time he had met someone online so it wasn't too awkward or embarrassing. It was a nice meeting for afternoon beers and he is really cute. He's a professor of geographic epidemiology which, of course, I had to ask the meaning of. He's way too smart! Harvard educated, turned down a position at Yale because he didn't want to teach yuppies, working on developing a "new type of science." Some of the things he said went over my head and the others were just laughably too intelligent. And c'mon guys, you know I'm a smart girl. This guy is too smart for his shoes!

Okay, so here are some more details: He has a 4 year old daughter who lives in Brazil. He likes having a child in his life, but only spending the good times with her and not everyday. I completely understand this sentiment which is why I'd rather be an aunt than a mother, but I think if you view your daughter that way you'll also view your girlfriend that way, which is a turn off for me. His life sounds amazing, lots of travel and adventures. He's converting a storefront into an apartment, which is a dream of mine. He lived in New Zealand for 3 years and annually spends the summers somewhere in the world. This summer he went to Turkmenistan and Kazakhstan. I'd love to adventure, but certainly am not as adventurous as he is. We had a nice time talking and he is really interested in sociology, coincidence, conscientiousness, and minimalism. That sounds so pretentious, but it was very suiting to our conversation. My favorite things about him: 

-He walked from our table to the bar barefoot. I know that would probably gross someone else out, but the first thing I do whenever I sit down is take off my shoes and I have no problem walking anywhere, except a public bathroom, barefoot. 

-I've picked the labels off of beer bottles before and have been told that it was a sign of sexual frustration. I think this is just a pick-up line for men in bars to hit on girls who peel off beer bottle labels. Dr. Jeff was peeling off this label and had some difficulty (it was a sticky Miller Lite kind and not the paper Lone Star kind) and at one point used his teeth. It's a strange thing, but I thought it was adorable.

-He was outrageously interested in my quirks, interpretations of life's misfortunes, personality ticks, and personal history. For example, I was saying when my mind is restless I just need to be near water and he was like, "well you are an Aquarius" which is completely tacky, but a little flattering since he had to investigate that information to interpret it. He, apparently as a Leo, is a sun/dessert person and did one of those guru spiritual viipassana weeks in the dessert without any form of communication (no talking, writing, listening, human touch or eye contact). He even asked if he could meet one of my many jars of hair, which typically creeps people out.

Here's his picture: 

Afterwards I went to Lela's with Julia where the three of us were on Gravy booty-duty. Gravy is Lela's adorably plump kitty with lazy booty cleaning tendencies. Regardless of how this may sound, it was a nice little ladies night with a cat lady purpose attached to it, but I also got to rant and rave about what a nice date I had. 

So, will I be seeing Dr. Jeff again? Yes, we will most likely have another date tonight or this week, but things won't get serious for sure. I've got a fear of the Peter Pan male who doesn't want to grow up and dreams of living in Never Neverland forever. That was my ex and I'm not wasting time with that any more. I want someone who loves fun and adventuring, but wants to do it with me. And I want someone who doesn't refer to relationships as lacking freedom, because why be with someone if you want to be alone. I think men (or people in general for that matter) who think things should be easy and without sacrifice or commitment, who want things to be fun and free all the time are delusional. No relationship, even friendship or work relationships, are like that. So, that being said Dr. Jeff is just another Peter Pan, but this one has a Ph.D, is 6'3", and has a smokin' bod. And since I'm just looking for some fun with a nice person, good conversation and laughter, who doesn't make me feel bad about myself, I will surely float this fella for a little bit. Cheers to Dr. Jeff! 

P.S. I'm still floatin' my DJ crush as well, and have two online guys I'd like to meet. I'm just playing the game for now. Online dating is going to overwhelm me, I can already tell. There are 10 unread messages in my inbox from dudes. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

I'm Ready for the Friday Night Life

Oh, it's Friday and I've been restless all day. I'm ready for the weekend, even though I don't have any solid plans. I offered to do some babysitting as a way to still get out of the house yet lay low, but my sweet little Posey will be home with her mum tonight after all. Also, JJ is out of town for his little brother's wedding. Strangely, he's only been gone hours and I already miss him! So, I've got tons of options and can do anything I want to tonight. I wonder what it will be....

Last Sunday I had so much fun dancing with Alison. I wish there was a sock hop every Sunday and that I could go to work late every Monday morning! I think I also just loved getting girly with Alison.

I've been wanting a new tattoo since my last one healed even though I didn't have the slightest idea of what I wanted. It's a little strange to me, because I wouldn't consider myself a "tattoo girl" and I certainly like to keep them covered up at work, but I feel lopsided with only one arm tattooed. I came across these illustrations today by Elisabeth Moch and I really LOVE them. Would that be too bizarre having two anthropomorphic tattoos? I would really like something cat related.

Super cute! This is my 2nd favorite.

LOVE it! I can haz pinup kitty tattoo?

Segway into more cats: I want to work a Kittywood Studios

Last night all the Vest Friends got together!!!! I was so happy to see Jamie and Terra came out too. We went to Radio Smoking Jacket at Coldtowne for a live recording of a podcast. It was just "eh" in my opinion, but it was great being with the entire group again. I think the more comedy investigation we do, the more apparent it is that we may not be stage people. Sure, I'd love to do some stage stuff, but we'll certainly be starting with videos. I can't wait!

After the show last night we fraternized outside while finishing up our beers and smoking. (I had quit smoking for a week, but now I think I'm only smoking socially. That is still not what I want so the battle continues.) We were outside for about 20 minutes chatting and trying to figure out if we wanted to get more drinks somewhere else. Finally, the smell was overwhelming to me and I said, "Yuck, I keep smelling parmesan." Jamie added, "Yeah, it stinks like vomit." and then Julia demonstrated how she was checking the bottom of her shoe because she thought she had stepped in shit whenever we realized there was a huge pile of vomit right behind us. Ugh, it was so nasty! All five of us had stood there for 20 minutes smelling the puke without even knowing. YUCK!

So, I guess I'm trying the internet dating right now. I'm not really against it, but I'm certainly not for it. Regardless, I have a date next week with a cute doctor named Jeff. I'm not sure what type of doctor he is, but it's the Ph.D. kind and not the M.D. kind. He has a daughter (age unknown) and is currently working and living on a farm in Mexico. Goodness, I hope I don't get strangled and murdered on this date. The Mexican farm thing is temporary, but he will only be in town momentarily next week to meet with the Board of Regents at UT regarding a new program of study he's coordinating. Fancy! He's taking his mum out to dinner and getting drinks with me afterwards. JJ warned me that whenever you plan a date with a stranger your brain makes up a fantasy of the type of person they are and sometimes you're pleased and other times you're disappointed. It feels so strange because I do have a Dr. Jeff fantasy. Here it is: his daughter is 7 and lives on the Mexican farm with his ex-wife who discovered she was a lesbian 6 years ago. Dr. Jeff loves macaroni and cheese, social work, anthropology, and swimming. What I know for a fact is that he is 37 and makes lists as obsessively as I do. Instead of trading nudie pics online, we've exchanged the packing lists we made for our last trip. I cross reference lists, while he simply uses * and footnotes. Anyhow, enough about that. I wanna post his picture, but that seems inappropriate. 

What's starting to get a little creepy is whenever online dating tells me who has been looking at my profile and they are comics that I have recently seen perform. So far this has happened three times. God, I hope I'm not going to end up being some sort of groupie.

Cheers to a lovely weekend my lovelies. I want to spend the entire weekend at the beach. Nothing makes me feel sexier than taking off my bathing suit, looking in the mirror, and looking like a pink lady in a white bikini!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Thursday Tidbits

-This morning was a busing disaster. I got to the bus stop early and waited in the heat for 10 minutes while reading Gone With the Wind, which I'm enjoying, so the wait didn't bother me. The bus flew past the stop before mine and wasn't in the right lane to pick me up, so I stepped into the road and waived fervently at the driver. The bus just flew right passed me without slowing down at all. So, I called Cap Metro to complain and waited another 30 minutes for the next bus and was very relieved to be in some air conditioning until crazy got on board. I don't know why crazies flock to me, but I always try to be nice if possible. This young man was clean and didn't have the warning signs of a homeless person, but he did have one of those wonky eyes and was using rope as a belt. He, of course, asks me what I'm reading and then tells me he likes books. "Reading lets you go to another world," he says and I agree. Then he asks me where the "lie-berry" is on campus because he wants to get on the internet and read a book by his favorite "arthur"Harry Potter. Eh, it wasn't that bad of an interaction, but I just can't stand it when people say arthur instead of author and lie-berry instead of library. Okay, so maybe the guy wasn't crazy, but just dumb instead.

-I powder my shoes to prevent smelly, sweaty flats. I also like to take my shoes off under my desk whenever I'm at work and I walk around barefoot when the boss isn't in his office. Sometimes this leaves white footprints on the carpet and it's the first thing he notices whenever he walks through the door. I'd like to think that he fears there's a pale-footed ghost haunting him.


-Monday night 3/4 of the Vest Friends went to Matt Bearden's PUNCH! Julia stepped up the drinking game with a pina colada and I had to get one as well. It was delicious and the comedy was funny. There was, however, an awful audience member with the laugh from hell who thought she was funnier than the comics on stage. Not only did her laugh make me love my own terrible cackle for not being as obnoxious as hers, but she was also one of those fat tea party ladies and disliked all of the funniest jokes. There was a cutie there who did impressions which made me think that might be fun in the bedroom, "Oh, Mr. Obama, welcome to my body's oval office." The fun didn't stop there, the ladies and I got raunchy, and we had a blast at Bar Fly's drinking Green Monsters until it was time to take ourselves home. Here's a pic of our delicious frozen treats at Cap City Comedy Club:

Audra stuck with the marg

-Yesterday I had a long and happy Happy Hour at Red House with everyone! (AT, JJ, Sam, Adrienne, Dr. Hopkins and baby Wyatt, McVay, Nancy, and Emily from high school) It was great to see Emily again and boy is she a looker! I'm excited to have another lady friend as she just moved to Austin and doesn't know very many people and is eager to play! McVay was another interesting addition to happy hour. I poked some fun at him and he poked some fun at me, but bottom line is we really need to be friends and I shouldn't have dropped him like a plagued rat whenever my ex-BF demanded it. McVay and I had 9 years of youth together and although we will never be together in a romantic state, I don't think there's a single person in the world who understands him better than I do; Adrienne sure is giving me a run for my money though and she's really great with his "special needs."

-Tonight is another comedy investigation with 3/4 of the Vest Friends. We're going to Cold Towne, where Audra is currently taking comedy writing classes. I miss Jamie! She's in the middle of a move that has put her beyond my reach; very far southwest. The show can't go on without her, but in the meantime we're doing our research on her behalf. We're currently working on a television network targeted to women like us. You know, not quite Lifetime, Oxygen, or Home Shopping Network. Something more me, well and more you of course!

-I think Hall & Oates are remarkable! Audra mentioned starting an all girls cover band called the Rich Girls and I fell in love with the idea! While at work I was listening to the grooveshark Hall & Oates mix and they played a song I had never heard before, "Grounds for Separation," which has to have the worst lyrics the duo ever wrote: Isn't it a lot like oxygen? Too much will make you high and not enough will make you die. Does oxygen even get you high?

-I'm ready for the weekend and want more sun and fun! Woot Woot watch out that's the sound of the fun train pulling into town!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Weekend Review (2 days late)

A warm welcome to the upcoming week, y'all! Boy, was it another hot weekend, but at least I did get to feel 2 raindrops on my face Sunday night.

So, where to start?! My original plan for this weekend was to travel to Galveston with Karen and live the life on the beach! I kept flaking and changing my mind, but ultimately I LOVE beaching: ice chest drinks, reading while sunbathing, beach towel naps, sand between your toes, new freckles being born each minute, living in the water.... ugh, it would have been so perfect for my mood, but I hadn't washed any laundry since June, was very tight on cash, and had some unresolved car accident stress still looming, so I passed to stay home in Austin.

Friday night I did laundry at JJ's. Audra came over to join us and Nancy rounded out the crew at the end of the night. Audra and I tried a little improv, which I've discovered I'm terrible at! Honestly, I'm pretty witty and quick on my feet so I though improv, as much as it annoys me, would be the perfect thing for me. NOPE! I froze up completely. It's too much acting, trying to figure out who your character is, and predicting their personality, responses, and ticks. I'm much better at just playing me! It was a fun experiment and I think I should take some improv classes to loosen up and get a better grasp on comedy acting.

Friday night Audra introduced me to 5 Second Films: This one with Patton Oswalt is hillarious, you've got to watch it!!!

Another thing I learned Friday night, besides being terrible at improv, is that I'm not the cat whisperer I thought I was. For some reason I had it in my mind that I should clip the nails of Audra's kitty, Pee Wee. My cats love getting their nails trimmed and having learned all the nail trimming tricks from my cat lady mother, I've never looked at a strange cat as an unwilling subject. Poor Pee Wee didn't even want me to hold her, let alone flip her upside down onto my legs and clip her talons. It was a total Lauren FAIL!

Saturday was spent at the Colorado River beach and I was in heaven! Megan came from Houston with the dogs instead of my lovely nieces Astrid and Willa, but I was happy to see her nonetheless. We packed a big cooler of beer, sparkling water, Capri Sun (so refreshing for the kiddo at heart), cherries, and peaches. The police showed up while we were swimming, wrote some tickets to minors in possession of alcohol, and went through peoples' coolers illegally, I believe. We weren't harassed and just kept enjoying the sun and water. Poor Topo Chico's tiny legs couldn't touch the bottom, so JJ and Jacob built him this dam to stand on:

After the beach we had a tiny burger BBQ at Gina's with our beach buddies and then I went home to crash hard! The day of sun, beer, and heat got to me and I had a pounding headache. After napping for a few hours, I woke up in just enough time to go out and play, but decided to stay home instead.

Jessica and I were supposed to have a Sunday date in which we played Hoarders. I have too many clothes and she wanted to help me go through them and organize things to sell, keep, and give away. It sounds like fun, kind of, but I wasn't really feeling it. However, after waking up after a late evening nap Saturday, I started going through all of my clothes. I got a lot of things organized and my house looked great. As a result, I sold some things to Buffalo Sunday. I really hate selling things there because, although they are surely trained and more interested in fashion than I am, there's a total lack of consistency. They purchased an original Appetite For Destruction Guns and Roses shirt for $36.50, yet only wanted to pay $10 for a very expensive, very trendy pair of unworn wedges, which are currently selling on Ebay for $80. Needless to say, I'm saving those to sell online or at the Red 7 garage sale next weekend. Y'all come out and buy my stuff and Beth's great finds too! Facebook Invite- Red 7 Garage Sale. Hopefully Jessica and I can do some Hoarders this week to get ready for the garage sale. I'm pretty nervous about it, but it should be a blast and full of my friends, so c'mon out guys!!

After Buffalo I went to the Yellow Jacket for Ryan's birthday bike ride brunch. I skipped out on the bike riding part, but not the brunchy booze part. Here's a photo of Ryan with a Happy Birthday ribbon wrapped around his head gay Rambo style:

Sunday night was a blast! Alison and I have had sock hop plans for a month now and nothing was going to interfere. We got dressed at her house like old times whenever we were roommates. She pulled some amazing fashionista work by cutting a dress into an adorable mid-drift top for me. We looked amazing, which was good because we ran into my ex and his new GF. But more importantly, we danced our asses off and it felt great! I did some mild flirting with the DJ, who is friends with Cara and cute, but most likely unavailable, but what's the harm in having some innocent fun?! God, I wish I had some photos because Alison in her beachy halter crop-top and me with my poofy side pony were show stoppers. We had our photos taken for Tribeza and a mini interview where I stupidly goofed up my "interesting fact," so I'll have to snatch up those pics and post them here whenever they are posted. It was the perfect ending to the weekend!

PHOTO UPDATE: Here are the pictures from the Sock Hop. AT looks amazing and adorable! I, however, look chubby, but believe me I looked great that night with peak-a-bo tummy. I guess I need to learn how to smile and pose better!

Beach babe Alison

Dirty Keds!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Thursday Tidbits

-Whenever I walk up stairs, my brain gets all vertigo-y and I feel really tiny. Conversely, walking down stairs makes me feel like a giant. It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland or the Labyrinth. Try it next time!

-I was planning on going to Houston next weekend with my Grandma to meet my new niece, but the trip has been cancelled. Apparently the Granny feels slighted and my sister is still not well enough to make for a productive visit. Hang in there Audrey Ella, you will meet your Lola soon enough. My nephew calls me Lola instead of Aunt Lauren. The 'aunt' thing never really settled with me as it seems too formal, so Lola is perfect.

-My writing project has stalled.......... This really disappoints me. I've been pretty busy with a full schedule all throughout this exercise,  but until now that hasn't stopped the creative juices from flowing. Right now I have so little 'juice flowing', which is exactly what I was afraid of.  I'm struggling to do the 3 pages a day I've assigned myself, and in the past I've stayed up to watch the sunrise while typing away frantically. My emotions are at ease right now and I fear that just like the great Russian novelists, I cannot write unless I'm emotionally turbulent. Oh, even just the drama in that sentence makes me feel ridiculous. Tonight, I will force myself to write in hopes of turning that creative faucet on.

-I can't stop looking at the picture I took of myself feeling all skinny. This vanity is a little sick and threatening my ability to be a single lady. I feel on the prowl. So, to induce some humility, I've photo-shopped myself on the body of a pregnant lady in a bikini; so cute y'all!

-Gina and I considered eating lunch at Rasta Pasta today. This restaurant has brought such laughter to Beth, Matt, and my lives. We love doing some Jamaican/Italian accent while ordering 'dreadlocks alfredo'. "Ah, me dreadlock fell in-a the fettucini, mon" After looking at their menu online, there was no way I could eat there when they REALLY have a dish called, "dreadlock ravioli!"
Rasta Pasta Menu Link

-Last night Audra, Julia, and I headed out to Skinny's Ballroom for Classy Ass Comedy night. It was free and I'm interested in seeing what the "comedy scene" is like out there. Also, Chris Cubas was hosting and I've heard he was funny, so I didn't think it would be a total loss. Well....... When we got there, Julia and I made up half of all the people in the bar, so that should have been a sign. There were some funny moments and all three of us were laughing at one point, but I just don't think stand-up is something I'm interested in. I'm not a good 'monologuer' and really just think if the Vest Friends chatted around a microphone, we'd crack people up; radio show style. Regardless, videos are in the works and hopefully this train will be movin' soon.

-In more Last Nigh Drama news: Um..... I borrowed Gina's car. I parked the car. The car was reported as being involved in a hit and run accident. I didn't hit any cars, animals, or inanimate objects. I think something smells fishy here! I'm really stressed out about this and just hope Gina and I don't get screwed here.

-Cara once asked me if I had any stories that weren't outrageous (okay, she used the term "fucked up") and after that last tid bit I'm beginning to understand. Is there anything that just happens to me? Like tripping on the way to the grocery store instead of nearly being run over by a train? Maybe GOD gives me the dramatic events because I'm a tough girl who's good at telling stories. (I love GOD!)

-Okay, I'm obviously feeling silly because look at how I typed god! Oh my goodness, I just keep raving about this god.

-Off to see Pam's new house for some ladies night with breakfast for dinner. I'm so excited and as lame as it may seem, I'm so proud of her for being a homeowner! I know friends who own houses, but Pam and I are on the same level and she is the first of my friends within that classification to buy a house, so I feel so hopeful for my own future!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

From Tuesday to Tomorrow

I'm feeling great; too good for complete sentences. It's like I've finally got my entire self back; body, mind, soul, blah, blah, bleck!

I did pilates today and look how skinny I look in my workout outfit. (Sorry for posting this, I just can't stop looking at it myself. It's about time I like the way I look!) I know I lost weight from the steroids, so I don't really deserve a "you go girl" since I haven't been working hard, but I do love being my size again. I still totally feel fat in my jeans though, so at least I know I'll always have that 'thing' in my brain talking me out of cheesecake.

Lucinda Williams pumps me up big time!

Today will be day 3 without a cigarette and, even though I'm craving one right now, I'm not going to smoke. I always said it before, but now I think I've proven it: I can't even smoke 1 cigarette on a whim or in a time of need or else I will be hooked again.

Tonight I have my lady/baby date! I'm very excited, but haven't been feeling this season of Sex in the City as much as I did season 1 and 2. There's still time to sway me and I was biased during the first episodes because I felt like I related to the Carrie/Big drama. I'm sure there will always be some drama I relate to, so I'll just keep on watching!

In honor of feeling great, Sex in the City tonight, and my lovely lady friends, I'd like to share the best advice I've heard lately regarding my "state."

-From the hospitable Shannon when I mentioned that I didn't want to sleep with anyone except my ex and that the thought of weenies made me sick, "There will come a time, when you meet someone you really like and you're going to really want to see his weenie. Until then, you don't have to see anyone's weenie if you don't want to."

-From the ever sensible Cara, "I'm sure there's a rockabilly girl out there who was dumped by her Cadillac King boyfriend and she feels like everyone knows her business and that she can't move on because he's everywhere, but nobody outside that scene even cares about rockabilly gossip."

-From my amazing dad in response to a tear-fueled email I sent him last week, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - Albert Einstein." I love that as a physicist he responds to my emotional rants with logic. Well, it worked!

-From the lovely Lela, "So, no more tears?" My response, "no more tears" as we high-fived. It was great!

I'm so ready for what's next and am completely inspired by Marcel the Shell to start working on our Vest Friends videos and a new Freckle Circus album. It's a happy Tuesday and I want to play.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Inside This Brain

If there was only one video to depict my life, it would be Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, which I was introduced to for the first time tonight, by Lela. I can't believe I've lived this long without having seen it. I can't believe this isn't a video I made. Enjoy and relish:

Furthermore, this is the song that is currently playing in my sweet little brain:

Monday Tidbits

It's Monday! Mondays come with the promise of ladies night, so I always have something to help me through the work day. And boy, do I need it. I slept pretty well last night and was in bed before the morning came, but I just can't stay awake. So, today will be in tidbit form!


-I started my weekend early last week and did some afternoon swimming with Cara and Posey on Thursday. Sweet Po threw the first temper tantrum I've ever witnessed. It was interesting, because my initial inclination is to just ignore it, but then you want to make sure she isn't too unhappy. Also, after a day of swimming I get a little cranky myself.

-Julia and I happy-houred  at the Grackle Thursday and participated in Shark Week for the first time. I never really understood the novelty, but then again, I had never watched it. On paper, I would say that I like Shark Week whenever it is muted on the television, above a bar, and behind a cute bartender. The highlight, besides the cute bartender, was the fact that all the animals had names! There was Big Marco, Llyod, and Flo, the heavy-sucking shark who ate a spiny lobster for dinner. There's a reason why I don't have television and I think I'd like to keep it that way.

- Gina fed me steak Friday night! Yum, yum, Gina makes the best steaks, but afterwards all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. We did attempt to start a pool party, but since nobody wanted to swim with us the idea failed.

-I've got a new policy that if I'm in the mood to stay home, I should. Frequently I can't stand staying in and feel a bit claustrophobic, so I should take advantage of the nights I don't feel this way.

-Saturday I watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes with JJ and Matt. I'm a huge Planet of the Apes fan and was really excited to watch the movie, even though I was pretty sure it wouldn't knock my socks off. It was, 'meh', but I'm still glad I saw it. Matt, on the other hand, loved it. After the movie we went to the Colorado River beach and chilled in the dog-infested waters with beers. I love this beach and it totally beats out Barton Springs as my outdoor waterhole destination due to tolerable water temperature, free admission, and freedom to bring booze. Drinking beer outside and sleeping in the sun are some of my favorite summertime activities. Jacob and Maggie met up also, but the boys were ready to call it a day so we didn't stay much longer. Maybe I'll spend the whole day out there this next Saturday. I skipped out on my Saturday night Continental Club plans and went to bed early with a beer and sun-induced headache.

-Bottomless mimosa brunch with Lela, Jamie, Audra, and JJ for Julia's Sunday birthday celebration. Afterwards we had massages and pedicures. I've never had a day of pampering and it was divine. The best part is that it was all in the honor of a special lady! All that relaxing exhausted me and I took a disco nap before heading out to Pinballz for party fun. I've known Julia for 3+ years now and have always loved her, but only recently became close chums. She's a super special lady, and I feel honored to have her as my GF and Vest Friend. (That actually extends out to all my GFs because they're all super special and important to me.)

-I thought I had decided to do online dating, until I started to complete the profile, answer the questions, and see my options. As someone who is reluctant to date and great a flirting, I don't think I'm going to go through with it. People are always saying they don't want to meet someone in a bar, but that's actually where I think I'd prefer to meet someone; at least then I'll know they are social and fun to be with.

-I've stopped smoking! I know this probably isn't viewed as a victory to anyone, but it's my 3rd and, hopefully, final time to quit smoking. I had a good 3 weeks of cigs and I'm ready to quit! Everybody extend their support to Julia, cause she's gonna quit too, but today is her last day of smokes! Good luck lady!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Cat Nip

Hey everybody, I started a Tumblr blog about my cat's nipple! It just sticks out of his fur all the time. Isn't that amazing! You can follow or submit your own pets' nip slips!

Thursday, August 4, 2011


Dear friends, family, strangers, and casual acquaintances:

Please don't email me, text me, Facebook message, snail mail, or the such about how my ex is a big TV star/famous. If you're my close and personal GF, that's one thing, because you're coming at me with humor and are well-informed about the entire situation. However, people who I haven't talked to in months/years, family of an ex from years back, that girl I sat next to in high school calculus, that dude I made out with once whenever I first moved to Austin... what are these people thinking and why would they even contact me about this?!

I'm heartbroken, I'm trying to move on, I vomit from nerves whenever I see his face on the local newspaper, I texted him last week telling him how much I loved him and wanted to be with please don't send me a link to a press release from Rolling Stone or GQ magazine. It was cute whenever he was on a billboard outside of New Belgium Brewery and my dad sent me an email about it, but the last thing I want to be is a jilted ex-girlfriend of a celebutard and these sort of messages aren't helping me out.

Okay, thanks!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wednesday Tidbits

-A suspected homeless man on the bus complimented my dress today! He started with, "I like your sundress." followed by, "Where'd you get it, a garage sale in Hell?" I could smell his rotten breath from feet away. Beth could smell his urine soaked pants! He really liked her ponytail and stated, "ponytails on the crown of the head are sexy." He also let us know that although he was an "Englishman", he knew some words in French, like "chignon" meaning ponytail and "dirty words, like French kissing." He had an infectious laugh! Gina missed out on all of this excitement, as she prefers to walk in the heat for her health!

-Yesterday I had another boo-hoo yuck moment with the bestie JJ (I hate 'bestie' and only use the term to be ironic. Is it working?). I worked myself up about personal growth, development, and self-discovery. I don't think that it's necessarily fair that I have to work on me and try to better myself when everyone else just walks around messing up the whole world with their issues that they don't work on. For example, why should I have to work on body-image issues whenever the grad student in my school didn't. Sure, she died and I don't want to, but that shouldn't be the only motivator. Why should I have to worry about addiction? Why should I have to work on learning to get love instead of martyring mine, whenever people get married, have babies, and just live. I could do that! I could do that so long as I could have chickens at the same time! I know it's a stupid thought and I want to be happy and prosperous in my person, but it still doesn't seem fair to me. My journey isn't easy and I know nobody's is, but sometimes it feels like just going about without questioning or examining anything would be a helluva lot nicer. JJ kindly told me that I didn't have to work on myself, but I do because I want to and have a 'good' brain. Sometimes I wonder if I got lucky or cursed to have a good brain; I can never shut the sucker off! Last night I heard lots of great words of wisdom while I pouted and moped during Bagel Fest 4. That boy can make some great bagels: lemon and thyme, Italian red pepper, and my favorite, rosemary. I had bagels for dinner last night and breakfast this morning.

-Speaking of food: Dear friends and family, you don't have to ask me if I've eaten! Yesterday both my dad and Beth asked me if I had eaten. It makes my brain get all confused like there's something going on I'm not aware of. It's like if someone asked me, "Did you eat any spinach today?" my first thought would be, "Why, is there a recall? Shit, am I gonna get diahrea?"

-Yesterday I broke up a dog fight between these two:

Topo Chico
 And I'm sure you'd be surprised to find out who won; weenie Topo Chico. Poor Brewster got two pieces of turkey bacon to cheer him up afterwards. I was the only one injured when Topo chomped down on my finger, which is now sore and slightly bruised. One thing of note, though, is that I would have tried to break up any dog fight, and if the aggressive one was bigger than Topo a person could probably get pretty damn hurt. I bet a dog could bite through a finger or hand and break bones.

-My sister's blood transfusion went well. She's home and feeling so much better. I'm still a terrible sister and haven't called her, but my dad is keeping me posted on her status. I'll have to giver her a call tomorrow so she doesn't forget that I love her.

-Shanelle introduced me to this today. I need a new baby hamster so I can buy it a living room and bedroom set!

What is a Blood Transfusion?

Normally when I have a medical question I call my sister, the nurse. My medical question right now is, "What exactly is a blood transfusion?," but I can't call and ask her because she is currently getting one. So, my back ups were google and Facebook, which also didn't answer my questions. Funny thing, whenever I post something quirky on Facebook I get instant comments, but nobody can answer my blood transfusion questions. I guess I'll just have to wait and ask my sister about it later.

A blood transfusion sounds very scary to me. Audrey Ella was born a week ago, today, and my sister's current situation is postpartum related. I haven't even called her since the birth, so I'm a pretty bad sister. I also didn't call her for her own birthday last week. Hopefully everything will be okay. I'm not gonna lie, it makes me very worried. I feel like I can normally brush off medical things, but whenever there is an issue with blood, my brain just goes straight into emergency mood. In this case, I guess I'm not overreacting, since she is in the ER. Love ya, sis! I hope you feel better soon and please don't die. Here's a picture of my new niece:

Baby in a personalized baby bag

That's all I've got right now. Enjoy the baby pic! It's a scratch and snifff that smells like lavendar and baby powder. You'll have to get up really close the the screen to smell..... go on

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

...Makes Lauren a Dull Girl

I'm working on a writing project and although I'm a little apprehensive to call it a novel, that is the end goal. In the meantime, however, it's just a research exercise to provide motivation and keep me on the right track. Even though I'm surprisingly confident about this, I'm very reluctant to divulge the details and my intent. It's sort of like naming your child Pigeon; you don't want to tell anyone until they're born as a means of keeping the comments to a minimum.

So, whenever I'm asked about what I'm writing, I say that my inspiration is the unfinished novel by Jack Torrance. Most people have no idea what I'm talking about, surprisingly, so the questions usually stop there.

This morning is was SHOCKED to unexplainably stumbled upon this:

I guess I've been beat to the punch! 

Monday, August 1, 2011

What Does August Mean?

Too many thoughts, too many tantrums!!! I just had a fit that scared the kitties. It didn't work for me because I'm too in control to smash things, but I'd love to break something that sounds like, "crash".

My resolve is completely down right now; I'm not me and I want me back! I called and cried to my doctor today. I'm done with his medicines. I'm done. I've never felt sicker or more isolated in the 17 years I've been diseased. I've dealt with pain for years and it has never caused as much stress as my medical situation has for the last 8 months. August means I'm over! If I'm not healthy I can fake it as well as I ever did.

I called my mum after work to vent some and just couldn't open up to her. It was a strange feeling, but then she told me I was too sick to come to her house and visit because one of her 13 cats has an infectious disease and the vet said that with my compromised immune system I could catch leprosy or TB from him. (questionable in my opinion, but I felt rejected nonetheless) (oh, double parenthesis: someone at my second job was just diagnosed with TB and I feel silly for being worried, but am gonna get tested. I thought people didn't get that anymore, but the Health and Human Services people are kind of freaking out about it). Anyhow, I think my mum could tell something was up with me that she wasn't gonna get to the bottom of, so she handed the phone over to my dad and I cried his ear off for an hour.

The great thing about a step-father, is that they chose you. He didn't have to love me or be so kind, but he chose to. He knew what was making me sad before I was even able to get the words out. He has gout and terrible asthma and told me I've been scarred medically; that it's unfortunate that I somehow have always placed people in my life that weren't supportive or caring with regards to illness. I tried to explain that it's my fault because I know I've chosen them to help me feel stronger. Every long term relationship I've had has been with someone who just doesn't understand chronic illness; who thinks all you need is a  positive mental attitude to maintain health. I don't ask for help because I hate feeling sick all the time. I never let anybody really know how bad things were if I didn't have to. Even now I know that things aren't bad compared to others out there, but I've just been broken down and don't have the strength to deal with this shit anymore. I just have doctors that are desperately trying to solve something nobody has solved and I feel like I've been their guinea pig since November.

My dad has a way of always making me feel better. I didn't feel out of control crying or hypersensitive. I just felt like someone was trying to hug me over the phone and that they understood everything I felt, even the things I cant place into words. I need to stop feeling like nobody understands, because I haven't had a single friend act with anything but sympathy.

So, what does August mean to me?

-I'm not going to take steroids ever again.
-No more moping about being sick (heard that one before?)
-I'll schedule and pay for the GRE in September.
-I'm only one month away from breaking ground on the construction of my new teeth.
-I'll buy a car in December whenever I'm finally out of credit card debt.

I may not have gotten the summer of ME that I wanted, but August is still summertime, so... August will be for ME! I need to do something big and important; something substantial, yet still overall meaningless to me. Here are my choices:

-Adopt a chicken, pigeon, dog, or guinea pig
-Move to Philadelphia
-Throw myself a bachelorette party (after all, I'm a bachelorette)
-Become a big brother/big sister
-Paint my apartment
-Spend Thanksgiving in England, Oakland, or Mexico
-Create an online dating profile with tons of truth and 'crazy.' (In 12 days it will have been 6 months since my break up. He's not coming back to me. He's moved on. I can't move on and it's pointless to 'save myself' for him. I've been all talk about dating and haven't given it a real try yet and "waiting until I'm ready" has just been my excuse to stay available for the ex. I've only had 2 dates and have blown off any other offers I've had. I never had any intentions of going out with poor Mark the mailman or Chocolate Tony. He's not coming back to me because he didn't want me to begin with; I need to move on, but can still love him while I look for someone who will love me.)
-Buy a new couch
-Change my name
-Sign up to be a mail-order bride or sponsor for an exchange student.
-New tattoo
-Cover all the windows in my apartment with dental X-rays
-Solo vacation
-Broken Spoke, Sock Hop, Dance Dance Party Party!!

We'll just have to wait and see what the month brings me.