Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Trampoline Emotions, But I'm Still Jumping!

Click, click, click, click, click, *DING

I am so in love with my new project and Julia's gorgeous typewriter! It's all I've been thinking about today and I just want to go home and type, type, type. It spent about two hours typing last night, meaning I was up past 2am and even then I had to pull myself away to go to bed. Conveniently, I just completed a table/ottoman refinishing project that is now my typewriter table. Now I just need to get rid of everything in my closet, turn it into a typing room, and lock myself in there for a few weeks. This is my first time using a typewriter and it is perfect for what I'm doing; so cathartic. I'm a pretty fast typer with over 100 wpm and I'm even faster on 10-key, but with a typewriter I have to search and peck at keys and pressing much harder slows me down. I'm thinking that on my 500 page project, I will find my pace and really start going for it at page 190 or so. Below is a photo of Nikola Tesla reading next to one of his machines and this is exactly how I feel whenever I'm typing. The rush is just the strangest thing! Enough about 'ole Remmy for now...

zap, zap, buzz

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I literally had a hysterical breakdown. I left the office without telling anyone because I was crying uncontrollably (hyperventilation style), started running towards my house, hopped on the bus after a mile or so, popped some Valium, made it home, took a naked nap, and woke up with a neutral, yet troubled brain. I had never been so mad at myself. After my Sunday run-in with the ex I ignored the advice of my GFs and sent him an email explaining why I can't be his friend. This was cathartic, but emotional and sad nonetheless. He responded, and even though there wasn't anything in particular that upset me, I was thrown into the craziest fit I've ever experienced. For 23 minutes it was like I understood why crazy ladies run over their husbands, chop of penises, drown their babies. I knew my brain was working against me, I knew I was indulging in it and allowing it to happen, but I just couldn't get a grip of myself. It was terrible and I was so humiliated and furious with myself. This is my life and I'm in control of every aspect of it! At what made it worse, is that I was too embarrassed to even vent with the girls. I did, however, vent to Eric, kept the Xanax and Valium in my system, bought and smoked many cigarettes, and kept my Tuesday lady/baby date. Now everything is fine, but I am still so humiliated and mad at myself. I can most assuredly say that it will NEVER happen again. (Oh yeah, and I'm done with the cigs too!)

Adorable photo time: nom, nom

Last night was a great lady/baby date with Cara. We had a lovely dinner with sauce made from scratch courtesy of Matt. There was also my favorite: pink bubbly! Being new to Sex in the City, I was a little surprised with how much Carrie's relationship mess in season 2 is like my life! I know I'm behind the times in just now watching the show, but the timing couldn't be more perfect for me. Also, I've decided to call that sexy piece of sculpted chocolate, Tony, that I saw riding a bike through Mueller. Sure it's been almost two weeks since he gave me his number, but what do I have to loose?! He was just so yummy to look at (shiny muscles glistening in the sun, chest hair, muscles, smooth brown skin, muscles...... hmmmm I might need a second). Perhaps all you need is a little yum to get you back on my feet. After all, Jamie has been telling me this since February!

In other relationship news: I'm not going to get to see my 3Gs while I'm in NYC, which bums me out. I totally got my hair done before this trip in hopes of seeing him and looking lovely. I'll just have to keep up with things and see where this goes; if it goes anywhere. Also, not all hope is lost with my fireworks date from last week. I had some moments when I felt a little overwhelmed by the situation and didn't want to move forward, but after some explanations, more butterflies in my tummy just thinking of him, and really examining what it was I was scared of, we're gonna have a second date. I'm still really, really scared of where it will go and what happens next, but I'm afraid if I stay stagnant I'm never going to rid myself of this caustic love I have corroding inside of me.

I've said it before, and I can guarantee I'll say it again, but my girlfriends are outstanding! If any of these women were missing from my life I would have a friend-sized hole in my heart and be that less of an amazing person as a result. I wish I could shower them with flowers, gorgeous men, fine tequilas, exotic vacations, furry kittens, and tons of hugs and laughs forever. Saturday with Pam, Sunday was Audra and Jamie, Monday was Lela and Julia, last night was Cara and more Julia, and then every single day there's Beth and Gina; on my side, in the dark, to the rescue, champagne and diamonds all the way! Everything these girls drop from their mouths is nothing but honest, pure, and wonderful love that makes me feel like I'm being hugged by a wookie that is madly in love with me; big, warm, and snuggley. I've never been so lucky in all my life! I wish I had the ability to have 40 happy hours and ladies nights every week.

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