Monday, July 4, 2011

I'm Free to Mope!

Yeah, July 4th is here! Beer, hot dogs, red, white, and blue!

So, in the past it has been a rough holiday for me. It always reminds me of my dear departed friend Karen, who passed away 6 years ago on the eve of July 4th. Man, I can still remember the phone call from her sister, Megan, as if it was yesterday... I was doing a photo shoot in my spare bedroom/office/studio for a local sausage company in Denton. After I hung up I ran downstairs and lived in shock on the couch until McVay came home from work. I left the sausages baking in the studio lights and the entire house reeked of cooked sausages. Ugh, it turns my stomach to remember. About two years ago, something hit me. Maybe it was clarity, resolution; I'm not sure what you call it, but her death didn't hurt me anymore. She still has a very special place in my heart. Love you girl!

Technically, I didn't have an anniversary with the ex. Sure, there was the beard competition in February when we met, but that was just the anniversary of our meeting. Our first date was on my birthday, so there's another anniversary, but it was July 4th that we decided to be exclusive; the official BF declaring. I'm still wrapped up; wrapped up for this one.  I need to stop listening to The Zombies. Too many jilted lover songs that pull my heart strings: "Baby, you'll just cry for his shadow." I keep asking myself why I'm doing this: loving him, wanting him, and hating him all at the same time. How is it benefiting me? Do I enjoy the longing? I don't know. I'd be there and do it again, but just have to remind myself that you can't make someone want to be with you, want to be there for you, to give of themselves when they don't want to. Blah, blah, blah... boo, hoo, hoo... shut up you silly girl and go meet that urban lumber jack who carries you away.

No work today! I'm going to use my Old Navy groupon (don't laugh), buy some cat litter, visit Karen with flowers, swim, swim, swim, and play mermaid with sweet little Madalynn.

Mad Love

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