Monday, July 25, 2011

Dear Jackie

I've been spending too much of my time crying. On Saturday I jokingly told the VF gals that it's my new hobby. It's the strangest thing that I do to myself. I'm not unhappy; I simply adore the women in my life and find so much fulfillment in my friends. I have plans and goals and dreams and so much to work towards and consistently see the rewards of my hard work. Yet, when I'm alone I sob my eyes dry. How am I benefitting from this? I've got 400 quick one-liners and quips in my head, ("A lady never cries in public." "Don't cry, get even.", blah, blah, blerg....) but those don't stop the waterworks. I still need to throw that damn pity party. I'm certain that if we all stood in a circle and threw our problems into the middle, we'd gladly keep ours over each others'. I don't have anything to cry over! I'm getting a new set of teeth in a month, so I better get all my tears out now to make room for a future full of smiles.

About two weeks ago my BFF got real with me and said some things that hurt my feelings and made me sad. I know it was well-intentioned, but sometimes we don't want to remember the bad things from the past and would rather fool ourselves with the happy memories. Well, I'm too good at lying to myself, so those happy memories are really self-destructive. Anyhow, yesterday JJ and I had some more real talk, which was outrageously beneficial. My love life is miserable. I've made it that way. I see something I might like, I make a move, I get a response, and I'm done; I can't date, I can't enjoy it because I feel like I'm a sick and filthy cheater. Nobody compares to the image I've created in my mind of my ex. Anyhow, instead of giving me the, "get over it, you dumped him, you were miserable, you're just setting yourself up for failure, I'm not going to coddle you anymore" speech that I've memorized, JJ just simply said, "you've got other shit going on in your world that you have to resolve before your mind will let you move on." And it's so true. I know I'm miserable because I want to be. I'm flirting with my depresssion, and it's not real because I see the escape route. But for some reason I'm holding onto it as a comfort.

Also, talking with JJ under the influence of the mood I was in yesterday (i.e. daddy issues), I was able to see that I do set the men up in my life for failure. I create this godlike image of them in my head and constantly nag to get them to stand up to it. Sure, at one time or another they were amazing, so my desire to get back there isn't always one-sided, but I've got to let people fail and redeem themselves without being a part of that process. Everyone says you deserve the best, but I think the real strategy should be to learn how to adapt. I've got to stop trying to fix people; believing that I understand them better than they understand themselves. Hell, I even set JJ up for failure whenever I got hurt and pouty about my friend talking truth into my ear.

So, here are my new Dear Jackie promises, and if I don't hold up my end of the bargain, she won't hold up hers:

- Replace Liousa ASAP!

- Get your new freakin' smile and don't feel guilty about the cost or ever using it!

- Buy new sheets- expensive ones! My mum always buys me nice sheets for Christmas, but a ghost spilled bleach on them and the material was so compromised that my feet tore a big hole in the bleached fabric while I slept. The tearing noise woke me up too, but I liked it for some strange reason.

- GRE in September! (Or else I will quit my job and become a waitress)

- If I'm going to "play the part" outside of my room, then I need to "play the part" in my room also.

- The only place for tears are in the bathroom. Stop crying on the kitchen floor just to feel melodramatic! Oh, it feels sooo good to cry on the kitchen floor! I like to pretend I'm a 1950's house wife who burned the soufflé and Hubby Dearest has invited his new boss home for dinner. Oh, I'm gonna really get it this time!

- If I stay at home and read a novel, type some pages, snuggle my cats, and drink beer in a bubble bath, that doesn't make me lame. Rather, it just confirms that I'm doing exactly what I want with the things that make me happy. Also, last night was the first time I had the time to even do this with my busy lady nights schedule. And if it makes me feel lame, I'll just tell myself that I'm doing research on my life project.

- I love me!! Instead of worrying why certain people don't think I'm as amazing as I am, I need to spend more time thinking of those that do. And, trust me, there are plenty (but then again, you already know this if you're reading my blog.)

-I love the way the hairs on my arm grow. Especially on my pidge tattoo where they look like sweet little blonde feathers. Okay, so this isn't a Dear Jackie promise, but it's still a thought that I had and well......

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