Sunday, July 31, 2011

How Long Do You Wait to Let it Go?

Okay, let me see if I can take 3 unrelated events and combined them together with the one thought that keeps running through my mind.

1. I just listened to This American Life: Thugs, Act Two: Lifers
It's about a woman who feels personally responsible for a juvenile delinquent who turned into a remorseless killer on death row. She was the only person who took the stand in his defense at the trial for his first murder. Not only did she believe he was innocent for this first murder, but she also felt personally responsible for the second and third murders because she didn't answer her telephone when he called. She is in denial throughout the entire interview, not understanding what she didn't do. She visits the grown man in jail because she can't continue her life without knowing what more could have been done. He says, of course, that nothing more could have been done, he did everything he wanted to do, and nobody would have gotten in the way of that; not his mother, not his god.

2. I'm going to a funeral today. A graduate student in my Department died this week. Did I know her? NO. Did she work in my office or lab? NO. Had I ever said 'hello' to her? NO. Yet still, I feel at a lost for words to explain why I'm so touched by this death. Perhaps this is insensitive for me to blog about or maybe hurtful and selfish. She died from anorexia. There was talk of an intervention. Her condition could not have been hidden, she was a walking skeleton. I told my friends about her last week and my coworker and I had just expressed our concerns and bewilderment about what should be done. I feel like this day can't pass without trying to honor her in some way. She'll never know how touched and effected I was by her life and I can't forget about that now. What could have been done? Why did I feel too prideful to say anything? Why did we all just go about our lives, like it wasn't our business, or like we didn't have the time or ability to change anything?

3. It's come that time where I need to move on. I know everyone is saying, "shit, are you just figuring that out?" Yesterday I volunteered at my friend's nonprofit, cause driven, film festival, Lights, Camera, Help. As an usher, I stood outside the theater re-reading old blogs, old emails, and old texts to/about my ex and couldn't stop crying. What more could I have done to have kept my last relationship going? Ending it was the last thing I wanted to do, but what more could I have done?! More wallowing, more questions about what I could have done differently, why was I not good enough, how I shouldn't have given up whenever I knew he was trying to get me to. I 'checked' myself and began watching films about other peoples problems; real problems: Mexican drug cartels, children with terminal illnesses, women being shot and killed by their boyfriends, poverty, human rights injustices.... Afterwards I shared some beer with Alison and Brittany (and poor Aaron who had to experience a mini-ladies night), who are both absolutely fed up with hearing about how I 'lost the love of my life.' WTF should be all they need to say, but I'm too stubborn, too strong-willed, too damn stupid, and completely unwilling to accept defeat. I didn't do enough and I can't move on until I hear, "you did everything you could. I stopped loving you. I don't love you. There's nothing you can do to change or fix that and there wasn't anything you could have done." More importantly, I need to learn that on my own without problem-solving a situation that doesn't exist anymore.

So, here goes the connector of my 3 stories. Why do we focus on the 'what more could I have done?' Is it a human characteristic that makes us anguish over not succeeding at something or is it a self-centered quality, turning everything into some relation to our own personal quests? What does it take to just let things go and move on?

Wipe Your Feet Really Good on the Rhythm Rug, Please

I just got home and am ready to crawl into bed after I enjoy a night cap in the bath, but I couldn't end my night without this! Brittany has officially become the flyest white girl I know. I love A Tribe Called Quest, but betch knows ALL THE WORDS and all I've ever been able to sing along with was the, "yes you can" chorus. Love you girl, and thanks for your kind opinions, dope ass rhymes, and for being my wingman when I've never met a prettier face than yours.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Saturday Morning Rant

I've been called crazy more times than pretty. Sometimes I feel pretty crazy, but I think what brings people to the "crazy" classification is that I'm just a completely open, honest book. I ask the questions I'm curious about, I answer your questions truthfully, and I say the things I'm thinking. Sometimes these are inappropriate, but I find that I'm completely comfortable with myself and the way I act; who I am. There are, however, some things that drain me that I just don't know if I should talk about: medical issues, unusual thoughts, and the never ending struggle to figure out why love just isn't enough.

My current unexplained loneliness has me questioning if there are some thoughts in my head that I shouldn't share with others. Are my feelings temporary insanity and therefore should be ignored and unexpressed? Or, perhaps, I'm feeling lonely because my unusual feelings are pushing people away? Either way, I'm in a rut and I self-evaluate to the point of insanity all too much. So, of course, here are my personal, pathetic, tid bits that are currently weighing on my soul.

-The other day I was nearly hit by a train on my bike. There was only one set of guard arms, and the sidewalk just turned into the train track without any warning. My senses were shaken as a result, because I was seriously only 30 seconds or so from being hit. I fell off my bike, skinned up my hand, and lost a bike like and my right shoe. What shook me more than the chance of being run over by a train was the fact that the initial thought in my mind was to not move at all. Before I thought about how I was going to get off my bike and scoot off the tracks, my crazy brain told me not to move, like getting hit by a train is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Cars started honking, my shoe got stuck on the peddle of my bike, and the only reason I felt compelled to move was imagining my poor dad's soul being crushed if I died.

-Sure, I will listen to my friends and try to remember that I wasn't happy in my last relationship, but I was devoted, committed, outrageously in love, and more than willing to put myself in the closet to try to please the person I wanted to be with; the person I still, sickly, want to be with. That sort of self-sacrifice never felt as bad to me as it should have, or does others. That sort of 'martyr for you' feeling always made me feel proud and pleased with my strong will.

-Do I just enjoy my own miserable company? It's the strangest feeling, because I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the benefit is. Why would I want to wallow and cry as much as I am? I know I'm in control of this, so why do I keep inflicting these feelings on myself? Self-deprecation is about as unattractive as a tear-stained face.

I need a distraction. Honestly, I'm busier than I would prefer. It feels like Thursdays are the only free days I have each week and my list of "to do's" is pages long. One of my favorite things to do during the week was taking bubble baths and staying in to watch a movie, but that gives me such terrible anxiety now. More than anything now, I want to be in the company of others until I fall asleep. Talking and gabbing with Lela and Julia until midnight on a Monday. I used to love waking up alone, and have told many pursuers that, but now I'd like to just wake up one morning with someone to cook breakfast for. Someone who's company I actually liked. Why have I let my pleasant desires change into a pathetic loneliness in me? I need someone fun to enjoy my company and distract me!

Ugh, well.... enough venting for one day. I'm off to play and would love to dance in the rain if someone could arrange that for me. Oh, and I will work intently on making my blogs, and myself, happier again. Nobody, including me, enjoys reading about self wallowing

Friday, July 29, 2011

Friendly Advice

So, I would like some friendly advice. My doctors want me to try, for the 3rd time, this "miracle" drug that makes me vomit. After crying about it in his office, my Rheumatologist asked me to trust him one last time, and if this dose makes me puke we won't ever try the treatment again. What would you do when the cure feels worse than the disease?

Take my poll

I Just Needed to Moan a Little

At the end of the day, I wish I could just go home to someone that would hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay!

I'm sick; I hate it. I hate always talking about being sick and driving my poor friends nuts with all my medical maladies. I hate that I'm not in control of my condition. I hate that in the last 5 years I've been able to conquer my condition, but for the last 8 months it has controlled my life. I hate that being sick all the time was thrown in my face while my heart was breaking. I hate that even though I wish I didn't talk about it all the time, I can't settle my brain unless I spill all my medical beans; try to relate with other people. So, here goes another terrible blog to read, but it's saving my sanity, and maybe my pals can spare a little compassion next time I'm complaining. All I want is a hug and a, "you're a tough girl, missy."

So, I've fainted twice this week and have had an overbearing "dizzy" feeling about me. It embarrasses me a lot, but there's nothing I can really do to prevent it. This heat is so draining to my strength that even just 10 minutes in it and I get tunnel vision. I don't want people to treat me like a weakling, but at the same time I want to be able to ask for help if needed. Wednesday, Julia was sweet and fanned me until I was able to get up again. So, no big productions please. Just help me up, get me some water, and then let me rest quietly until I'm functioning again. God, I remember passing out at the mall when I was 16 outside of Victoria's Secret where I worked at one of those jewelry kiosks. All the VS girls stood around me saying, "she's so pale", "is she dead?!"... it was humiliating! I want attention for being awesome, not for being weak.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning. Since my last appointment 6 weeks ago I have lost 15 pounds. It feels so good since the weight wasn't mine to gain, but was steroid related. I finally fit into my jeans and feel like me again. Doc even called me skinny. But the appointment wasn't all joyous. I have an amazing Rheumatologist and a Dermatologist who has become an expert on my rare skin disease, and they are working together so wonderfully to try to make sure all 3 of my conditions are properly addressed, but I'm spent! I'm done and I don't want to do this anymore. After a summer of steroid hell, cancer medication that made me vomit for nearly 3 weeks straight, and medications out the wazooo to try to reverse the side effects of steroids, I just can't do these treatments anymore.

So, the docs want to put me BACK on steroids and the vomit pills. WHY?!?!?! I started crying in his office and told him I couldn't do it. I felt like a child pleading with their mother, begging not to go to school. Of course, he was very kind and asked me to please try one more time and if it didn't work we'd try something new. Ugh, it's all the new stuff that is draining my resolve. A month ago I was on 6 different types of medication, and this morning I only took two pills. I want to keep it that way.

More weepy news: I have been taking Cymbalta for about 2 years now, and it has done wonders for fibromyalgia-related muscle pain. I stopped taking it about two weeks ago, as I have a huge balance with my online pharmacy and need to wait for payday, so I couldn't refill my prescription. I told my doctor this today when we were reviewing my current meds, and he asked me if I've experienced any side effects from not being on Cymbalta. Of course I have been feeling more pain and plan to get back on these pills, but I asked if depression is a side effect of not taking it. Well, the pathetic news, depression is not a side effect of Cymbalta withdrawal. Rather, he said symptoms that are in "existence" prior to Cymbalta have come back. My reaction to learning that I have depression was, of course, more tears.

What felt like a success of eliminating medications has turned into a battle. Back to the vomit pills and steroids for a few weeks, so please bear with me. This was supposed to be the summer of me, but there's always next summer for that I guess. I'm a weak little sack of flesh filled with diseases and molded into the shape of a girl. I want your life, please!

It's really just frustrating because, although I have amazing and caring friends, I just feel like nobody understands. Also, I want to work on me! I want to be happy and start dating and be able to work hard at my jobs and I can't because I can't resolve one of the basic human needs: health.

I'm still stuck in the safety portion of my triangle and I'm too smart for that!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He Takes the Day

Oh yeah, I was going to post this the other day, but forgot. For whatever reason, Amy Winehouse always made me think of Karen. Megan was the person who introduced me to Amy Winehouse and she always said that Karen would have loved her. Anyhow, I played Back to Black until the CD wore out and then asked my dad to burn me another copy. I was spending lots of time with Chad and the Houston boys at that time and the first time I put the CD in Chad said, "What the hell is this shit, Darcy?!", but by the end of the night, that jerk hole was singling along to every song. I have had this song in my head as one of those pathetic break up pity fest numbers, and re-listened a couple of days ago. The daddy part at the end makes me miss my dad, too.

I know it may be confusing. I have two dads. 'Dad', 'Pops', 'Richard', 'Daddy' are all Richard, my dad, and 'Father' is my father, Dale. Now you know; get it right or pay the price!

Baby Whack Attack

My miss my dad. I just talked to him about my new niece, Audrey Ella. He's such a sweet man and was very worried about the baby for the entire 9 months since it was a complicated and high risk pregnancy. I was worried also, as we all were, but I was really touched with how effected he felt. He just went up to the hospital to have breakfast with her and said that she was precious and tinier and lighter than Helene (the tiniest cat in his menagerie). Audrey is actually named after his mother, so I think he was personally touched and heart-warmed. Grandpa is a fun role I'm sure, but whenever you have a little princess it must be even better.

I'm completely in a baby bug right now, which is bonkers! I've never wanted children; in fact I've despised them nearly my entire life. I think I'm just longing for something special; something that is kind of pointless but important. I'm being an emotional brat right now and am looking for a big change to smack me out of it, but I know I definitely will not be having any. Crazy Aunt Lola is all I can handle, but maybe I should visit my sweeties more often and babysit sweet Posey or Wyatt.

Favorite song to sing to babies (besides the ones I write myself):




Okay, super unexpected update: While searching for the T. Rex song, whose title I wasn't sure of, I stumbled upon Justin Beiber, who I've never heard before. I should have filmed myself for one of those terrible youtube reaction videos, because this shit brought me to tears at my desk!! I need help. My emotions are all out of whack, and not in the hip-hop way.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Free Will Astrology

My horoscope:

You really need to tell your stories. It's not just a good idea; it's downright urgent. There's a backlog of unexpressed narratives clogging up your depths. It's like you have become too big of a secret to the world. The unvented pressure is building up, threatening to implode. So please find a graceful way to share the narratives that are smoldering inside you- with the emphasis on the word "graceful." I don't want your tales to suddenly erupt like a volcano all over everything at the wrong time and place. You need a receptive audience and the proper setting.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Dear Jackie

I've been spending too much of my time crying. On Saturday I jokingly told the VF gals that it's my new hobby. It's the strangest thing that I do to myself. I'm not unhappy; I simply adore the women in my life and find so much fulfillment in my friends. I have plans and goals and dreams and so much to work towards and consistently see the rewards of my hard work. Yet, when I'm alone I sob my eyes dry. How am I benefitting from this? I've got 400 quick one-liners and quips in my head, ("A lady never cries in public." "Don't cry, get even.", blah, blah, blerg....) but those don't stop the waterworks. I still need to throw that damn pity party. I'm certain that if we all stood in a circle and threw our problems into the middle, we'd gladly keep ours over each others'. I don't have anything to cry over! I'm getting a new set of teeth in a month, so I better get all my tears out now to make room for a future full of smiles.

About two weeks ago my BFF got real with me and said some things that hurt my feelings and made me sad. I know it was well-intentioned, but sometimes we don't want to remember the bad things from the past and would rather fool ourselves with the happy memories. Well, I'm too good at lying to myself, so those happy memories are really self-destructive. Anyhow, yesterday JJ and I had some more real talk, which was outrageously beneficial. My love life is miserable. I've made it that way. I see something I might like, I make a move, I get a response, and I'm done; I can't date, I can't enjoy it because I feel like I'm a sick and filthy cheater. Nobody compares to the image I've created in my mind of my ex. Anyhow, instead of giving me the, "get over it, you dumped him, you were miserable, you're just setting yourself up for failure, I'm not going to coddle you anymore" speech that I've memorized, JJ just simply said, "you've got other shit going on in your world that you have to resolve before your mind will let you move on." And it's so true. I know I'm miserable because I want to be. I'm flirting with my depresssion, and it's not real because I see the escape route. But for some reason I'm holding onto it as a comfort.

Also, talking with JJ under the influence of the mood I was in yesterday (i.e. daddy issues), I was able to see that I do set the men up in my life for failure. I create this godlike image of them in my head and constantly nag to get them to stand up to it. Sure, at one time or another they were amazing, so my desire to get back there isn't always one-sided, but I've got to let people fail and redeem themselves without being a part of that process. Everyone says you deserve the best, but I think the real strategy should be to learn how to adapt. I've got to stop trying to fix people; believing that I understand them better than they understand themselves. Hell, I even set JJ up for failure whenever I got hurt and pouty about my friend talking truth into my ear.

So, here are my new Dear Jackie promises, and if I don't hold up my end of the bargain, she won't hold up hers:

- Replace Liousa ASAP!

- Get your new freakin' smile and don't feel guilty about the cost or ever using it!

- Buy new sheets- expensive ones! My mum always buys me nice sheets for Christmas, but a ghost spilled bleach on them and the material was so compromised that my feet tore a big hole in the bleached fabric while I slept. The tearing noise woke me up too, but I liked it for some strange reason.

- GRE in September! (Or else I will quit my job and become a waitress)

- If I'm going to "play the part" outside of my room, then I need to "play the part" in my room also.

- The only place for tears are in the bathroom. Stop crying on the kitchen floor just to feel melodramatic! Oh, it feels sooo good to cry on the kitchen floor! I like to pretend I'm a 1950's house wife who burned the soufflé and Hubby Dearest has invited his new boss home for dinner. Oh, I'm gonna really get it this time!

- If I stay at home and read a novel, type some pages, snuggle my cats, and drink beer in a bubble bath, that doesn't make me lame. Rather, it just confirms that I'm doing exactly what I want with the things that make me happy. Also, last night was the first time I had the time to even do this with my busy lady nights schedule. And if it makes me feel lame, I'll just tell myself that I'm doing research on my life project.

- I love me!! Instead of worrying why certain people don't think I'm as amazing as I am, I need to spend more time thinking of those that do. And, trust me, there are plenty (but then again, you already know this if you're reading my blog.)


-I love the way the hairs on my arm grow. Especially on my pidge tattoo where they look like sweet little blonde feathers. Okay, so this isn't a Dear Jackie promise, but it's still a thought that I had and well......

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Even Robots Hurt

Well, my voice sounds as dry as a west Texas town. Allergies got me down Friday, but even though I sound like a pre-pubescent male frog, I feel fine. Smoking and screaming doesn't help either.

I feel like this was a wasted weekend. Sure I accomplished plenty, but what do I have to show for it: no piece of mind, no resolve, a filthy house, and no clean laundry.

Friday night Julia and I had a "stay in, beer night" that I found lovely. I had stayed home from work sick and really wanted to get out of the house, but didn't have the energy (or money) to go out, so it was purrrfect. I got to see Beth, Matt, and Alison so it felt slightly social. I watched Eastbound and Down for the first time, and absolutely loved it.

The Vest Friends had another hilarious comedy camp on Saturday. I was introduced to the game show Baggage. Shit, I thought I invented that concept four years ago! After a round-robin we determined my baggage would definitely be the engagement ring I bought myself seven years ago. I packed it away when I thought I didn't want or need it, but found it several months ago. Yes, I liked it so I put a gorgeous ring on my own damn finger! The saddest thing, however, is that now I can't stop wearing it. Have no fear; crazy wears it on her right hand. The silver lining is that four years ago I aired my dirty laundry the second I met someone and not only has that dirty laundry been washed, fluffed, and folded, but now it isn't considered personal baggage, but something I've conquered.

After Vest Friends, Jamie and I went to the Continental Club for some free dancing to James Intveld. I, of course, didn't get much dancing in since nobody asked me to. I was surprisingly hurt and even though I'm a terrible dancer I'm usually eager to try. This time, however, after holding up the wall for an hour I would have felt like an idiot stumbling over any feet that might have asked.

JJ had his 30th birthday party Saturday night and I had a lovely, drunken, big-mouthed, blast! I got to catch up with pals I hadn't seen in months, act a fool, chitty chat like old times with Katie, fall in love all over again with Ashley, meet some babies, dance on a picnic table, and be happy-go-lucky without the fear of judgement (total Dance, Dance, Party, Party! style). It was great, but more importantly, JJ had a great time, Dirty Socks Dirty Thoughts were reunited, and all his extended friends came. I talked too damned much to everyone about anything and lost my voice.

So, that brings me to today......
I woke up without being able to talk. My father called to chat, but I wasn't able to actually form any words. I felt bad, because it would have been really nice to talk to him. I really like where our relationship is at the moment, that he calls me out of the blue on a Sunday morning, is concerned that I'm ill, and just wants to hear about my vacation. I know that's what a relationship with your father is supposed to be like, but after "cutting him off" for five years, I never would have imagined reconnecting could have been so easy. I really hope I'm learning from this. Maybe I put too many expectations on the people in my life and just saying, "F.U. I can't do this anymore" is selfish, but not in the good/healthy way.

I once let down a best friend of mine. And, by saying "let down" I'm being kind to myself. I once completely turned their world upside down, abandoned him, and then lost even the slightest bit of human compassion. I still regret it, but have most certainly been delt my punishment through karma. I sit here wondering how relationships can fall apart so unexpectedly. I've wondered this for years and the best answer I've come up with is a lack of honesty. Now I'm so honest with myself and my friends that I think it might be my biggest fault. If I'm thinking it, you know damn well I'm going to say it. Anyhow, I've been trying to reach out to my old pal and sure enough he's skeptical about my motives. I don't think I've ever known anyone better than I knew him, even though he never quite understood me. Regardless, he still affects my thoughts and I doubt he has any clue how much he helped me tonight. His bare-bones approach was thrown out the window and might have been my 'sugar bear' this evening:
ME: Could you teach me how to be a robot?
John: I think you can figure it out. Emotionally, it's not as easy as it looks.

When I think of my whole self, I think of a wet, hot, mess of a brilliantly put together girl. I know just how to fall apart and play the part. I've got to get out of this town. I'd like to smell the ocean, see my dad, and sleep in the park next to someone. I'd like to have hands that looked like Barbara Striesand's.

I need to do some serious dancing, like seriously!

Too Late To Make My Words

Friday, July 22, 2011


"Never fall in love. Once you do you never belong to yourself... you're just a slave... half a person without him."
-Jacqueline Susann

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Fa La Lah, Music Rant

First off, I'm excited to be going to see Dwight Yoakam tonight! The tickets are a birthday gift for JJ, but I get a present too; that doesn't necessarily seem fair, but we're sure to have fun!


So, the other day Cara and I were talking about how we loved Dwight Yoakam and how she wished she was going to the show tonight. One thing led to another and she said she loved Bruce Hornsby, which cracked my shit up. Granted, I love Counting Crows, but I argued that Bruce Hornsby was just bad. So, we get to Cara's house and I offer up Don Henley as the worst music I love and we youtube some videos. Turns out, I love Bruce Hornsby too!!!



Whatever you do, don't hire Cara or I to play DJ at your party. I think our taste in music caters to the 50-somethings.

Vacay Update

Where to start, where to start? I feel like I have so much to catch-up on, so this may be a 3-blog day.

Vacation Recap:

Gina and I flew into NYC and had some trouble getting our brains into navigation mode. We met Wes and Christian and had lunch at Peter's in Williamsburg (Peter's Rotisserie website). My plate was full of delicious southern style, down-home cooking! The most interesting part of my meal: the butt-naked dude standing in socks and shoes in the middle of the ladies' restroom. I squeeled and shut the door; it was way too early in this vacation to be seeing unexpected weenie.

Green beans, macaroni & cheese, mashed potatoes & gravy,
corn bread muffins, and cole slaw... oh my!

We spent most of our day catching up and planning our weekend. We walked the Williamsburg bridge to burn off all our lunch carbs...

NYC skyline

and then stopped off for "buy one, get one free" happy hour at the place Wes and Rayon Beach were playing that night. BOGO beers?! Something like that could really get me in trouble here in Austin!

Jumping for BOGO beer joy in front of a Predator

After happy hour we ran from one Brooklyn, Texas-themed bar to another: Coyote Ugly, Doc Holiday's, and a couple of other terrible places I can't remember. I really had a great time letting lose and talking to new friends. I was hit on by a bro-down dude at Coyote Ugly and Colin told him, "Hey, if you like it put a ring on it," which is still my favorite quote of the entire trip. I kept screaming at the poor guy every time he showed me another one of his terrible tribal tattoos, "Oooh, you're a real man", "Yeah, tough boy with the angles of death on his arms; ugggh a real man's tatttoo!!" Honestly, I'm very lucky he kept his shirt on and didn't offer to buy me one of Coyote Ugly's world famous $20 body shots. While there, we got word that Kid Rock was in town and instead of locating him, we hashed out an action movie plot, "Rock v. Rock" that stars Kid Rock and Chris Rock. I think we're onto something with this one.

On our 2nd day in NYC we visited The Met. The best thing about The Met is that you can experience it on a budget and pay what you'd like instead of the suggested $25. I personally love art, but was on a tight budget so found my slimy, wadded $1 bill appropriate. We waited in line for 2 hours to view the Alexander McQueen exhibit and it was so worth it! I would have waited another hour if needed. Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to take photographs, but the art direction and the McQueen designs were so well paired and breathtaking. You have to watch the video on the exhibition's website: Savage Beauty

Widows of Colloden dress
Creme silk tulle and lace with resin antlers
VOSS dress
Razor clam shells
Widows of Culloden dress
Pheasant feathers
It's only a Game dressLilac leather and horse hair
Eclectic Dissect dress
Black leather, red pheasant feathers, resin vulture skull

After New York we headed out to Philadelphia. I wanted to fall in love with the city and I did, kind of. Everything looks so green, lush, and beautiful that I could have convinced myself we were in Ireland. I wish I could have seen more of the city; maybe some gritty parts to push me away. Regardless, Philadelphia is my new backup city. Should I determine that I need to start over or escape Austin, that will be where you can find me. The rent is affordable, the homes are adorable, the history is emense, and the Philadelphia Museum of Art houses the entire collection of my heart: Marcel Duchamp's Etant Donnes...


Interior view of Etant Donnes

Nude Descending the Staircase

All in all, I had a lovely time. I was able to escape Austin and see parts of two cities I had never seen before. I met some nice people and was surprised about what a small world it is after all. You can find familiar faces almost anywhere, I believe. The most important lesson I learned from this trip is that I crash hard. I fell asleep early in the van our first two nights after Wes and Rayon Beach played, and fell asleep at the club while in Philadelphia. Each time with beer in hand. In looking at photos of past events I found quite a few where I am sleeping on Gina's couch or in a chair at the bar. I need to work on my bar stamina; perhaps Jager bombs are the way to go from now on!


Asleep in Philly 07.18.11

Asleep in Austin 04.18.11
Asleep in Denton 01.14.11


As if that wasn't enough, here are some more tidbit stories:

-I ordered a Mexican Coke in Philadelphia and was surprised to be treated like a racist. Apparently in the north it's called, "bottled coke".

-I bumped into my 1st beard crush from over ten years ago on the streets of Williamsburg. He was there to see Wes play.

Josh T. Pearsons

-It's no secret that I love pigeons, but I never expected to be so excited about seeing so many. The city was full of them.

-I passed a kitty cat bar and they had this sign up. I think a kitty cat bar is a great idea, but I'm not sure many people in Austin would pay to play with cats.



-This is an image of a poodle, Sanford, chomping on a bagel with cream cheese.



-Here is my favorite headline on a newspaper in Brooklyn:

Ring leader of group gay hate attack gets hurt in
prison van wreck & now scum sues city!

-I fell in love with Pat & Anna's sweet pit, Jenny. Jenny, I miss you!!

Jenny was rescued from a coke house where she had
been stabbed and chained to a radiator.




Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Home Again

I'm back from my vacation and trying to fall into the swing of things! I had a lovely time with Gina, Wes, and new friends I made: Rayon Beach, Shannon, Phil & Anna, and Christian. It was fun to play the groupie and we also got to get some culture in while we were in New York and Philadelphia. More exciting details to follow when/if I get caught up on life.

Psuedo-group photo in the van

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Rebound Beard?


I'm in Williamsburg at Death by Audio and just bumped into my 1st beard crush: Josh T Pearsons, an amazing dark country-musician! Oooooh I swooned for him 10+ years ago and did not play it cool. He told me I shouldn't get off the beard cold turkey, but rather ween off.

Bad Mommy

Today is Cecilia's 8th birthday and her mum is off playing in New York. Everything should be fine though, because I didn't remind her; we'll celebrate whenever I get home.
I miss my babies!
XO
-LD

Cecilia tried to pack herself in my bag before I left

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Trampoline Emotions, But I'm Still Jumping!

Click, click, click, click, click, *DING

I am so in love with my new project and Julia's gorgeous typewriter! It's all I've been thinking about today and I just want to go home and type, type, type. It spent about two hours typing last night, meaning I was up past 2am and even then I had to pull myself away to go to bed. Conveniently, I just completed a table/ottoman refinishing project that is now my typewriter table. Now I just need to get rid of everything in my closet, turn it into a typing room, and lock myself in there for a few weeks. This is my first time using a typewriter and it is perfect for what I'm doing; so cathartic. I'm a pretty fast typer with over 100 wpm and I'm even faster on 10-key, but with a typewriter I have to search and peck at keys and pressing much harder slows me down. I'm thinking that on my 500 page project, I will find my pace and really start going for it at page 190 or so. Below is a photo of Nikola Tesla reading next to one of his machines and this is exactly how I feel whenever I'm typing. The rush is just the strangest thing! Enough about 'ole Remmy for now...

zap, zap, buzz

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I literally had a hysterical breakdown. I left the office without telling anyone because I was crying uncontrollably (hyperventilation style), started running towards my house, hopped on the bus after a mile or so, popped some Valium, made it home, took a naked nap, and woke up with a neutral, yet troubled brain. I had never been so mad at myself. After my Sunday run-in with the ex I ignored the advice of my GFs and sent him an email explaining why I can't be his friend. This was cathartic, but emotional and sad nonetheless. He responded, and even though there wasn't anything in particular that upset me, I was thrown into the craziest fit I've ever experienced. For 23 minutes it was like I understood why crazy ladies run over their husbands, chop of penises, drown their babies. I knew my brain was working against me, I knew I was indulging in it and allowing it to happen, but I just couldn't get a grip of myself. It was terrible and I was so humiliated and furious with myself. This is my life and I'm in control of every aspect of it! At what made it worse, is that I was too embarrassed to even vent with the girls. I did, however, vent to Eric, kept the Xanax and Valium in my system, bought and smoked many cigarettes, and kept my Tuesday lady/baby date. Now everything is fine, but I am still so humiliated and mad at myself. I can most assuredly say that it will NEVER happen again. (Oh yeah, and I'm done with the cigs too!)

Adorable photo time: nom, nom

Last night was a great lady/baby date with Cara. We had a lovely dinner with sauce made from scratch courtesy of Matt. There was also my favorite: pink bubbly! Being new to Sex in the City, I was a little surprised with how much Carrie's relationship mess in season 2 is like my life! I know I'm behind the times in just now watching the show, but the timing couldn't be more perfect for me. Also, I've decided to call that sexy piece of sculpted chocolate, Tony, that I saw riding a bike through Mueller. Sure it's been almost two weeks since he gave me his number, but what do I have to loose?! He was just so yummy to look at (shiny muscles glistening in the sun, chest hair, muscles, smooth brown skin, muscles...... hmmmm I might need a second). Perhaps all you need is a little yum to get you back on my feet. After all, Jamie has been telling me this since February!

In other relationship news: I'm not going to get to see my 3Gs while I'm in NYC, which bums me out. I totally got my hair done before this trip in hopes of seeing him and looking lovely. I'll just have to keep up with things and see where this goes; if it goes anywhere. Also, not all hope is lost with my fireworks date from last week. I had some moments when I felt a little overwhelmed by the situation and didn't want to move forward, but after some explanations, more butterflies in my tummy just thinking of him, and really examining what it was I was scared of, we're gonna have a second date. I'm still really, really scared of where it will go and what happens next, but I'm afraid if I stay stagnant I'm never going to rid myself of this caustic love I have corroding inside of me.

I've said it before, and I can guarantee I'll say it again, but my girlfriends are outstanding! If any of these women were missing from my life I would have a friend-sized hole in my heart and be that less of an amazing person as a result. I wish I could shower them with flowers, gorgeous men, fine tequilas, exotic vacations, furry kittens, and tons of hugs and laughs forever. Saturday with Pam, Sunday was Audra and Jamie, Monday was Lela and Julia, last night was Cara and more Julia, and then every single day there's Beth and Gina; on my side, in the dark, to the rescue, champagne and diamonds all the way! Everything these girls drop from their mouths is nothing but honest, pure, and wonderful love that makes me feel like I'm being hugged by a wookie that is madly in love with me; big, warm, and snuggley. I've never been so lucky in all my life! I wish I had the ability to have 40 happy hours and ladies nights every week.

This is my new "jam plan"

This is Julia's beautiful Remington.


Surprisingly, it has come to my attention that not everyone knows what a jam plan is. I'm shocked! Monica had a plan to get over her man by making jam. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Typewriter Fantasy

I have a new project in mind!

I need a typewriting and am hoping to borrow Julia's, although owning one would make this so much easier. I have never used a typewriting before, but I remember watching my mum use one and for some reason it makes me think that there are tricks in terms of ribbons, white out, backspacing, margins, etc.

I currently have a scrap paper journal. I have so many verbal communications and thoughts that go on in my head that I HAVE to communicate in some way in order to maintain my sanity. Many of these thoughts are just hodge-podge one-liners, random thoughts, and odd word combinations that make my eyes twinkle. I want to type these out instead of shoving them in an old garden pot and continue typing them until I've gone through an entire ream of paper. For whatever reason, this sounds like a brilliant idea to me!

Weekend Review

Well, I had an exciting weekend even though I was hoping for something low-key before my vacation this week.

Saturday started off with my mailman complimenting me on my new hairdo and tattoo. He always calls me by name and we chit chat regularly. This time though, he asked if I wanted to get a drink with him sometime while telling me that technically he's not supposed to ask out clients. He's cute and probably around 37 with salty hair and tribal tattoos. We'll see what happens, but it freaks me out that he knows where I live and how many medical bills I have. Also, he once caught me sunbathing topless in my side yard and that was pretty embarrassing.

I went to the farmer's market with Julia for some smelly melons, fancy tomatoes, and a photo shoot for Julia's awesome reusable grocery bags. They are so neat and look just like those plastic ones you get at mini marts that say "Thank You" You should buy them off Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/shop/jelledge.

That's me with a squash

Support your friend's, y'all and buy an awesome bag!

Then, off to STAG for the flea market and some familiar faces: Shad, Don. I got some dental X-rays as afreebie. Shad's buddy had a shoebox full of them for $85. Although I could have had them for the awesome hookup of $40, I only wanted a couple so he gave me a handful. They would make an awesome lampshade or some other art project. I'm lazy and just taped Mrs. Ilene Hudleson's X-rays from March 5, 1974 to my window. 



I also found this neat grouse paw brooch:


Apparently, a whole grouse looks like this:

Strange bird!

Saturday night was a hectic one in theory: Lonely Ladies Planned Parenthood event, Beerland's birthday, and Contigo for Pam's birthday. I only made it to the later and had a lovely time. Pam taught me how to use bronzer and I realized why I don't like buffalo/wing sauce: it reminds me of vomit. We also witnessed two dog fights and the last one resulted in a poor little terrier bleeding. It was horrifying and gave Audra a nightmare. We closed down the place with lots of dirty lady talk and then I went home for Zzzzzzs.

Sunday morning was a lazy one. I called my mum on her birthday. She told me a very strange story about my dad thinking he saw my ex at the local Fry's. He followed him around a bit and then determined it probably wasn't him, but then a girl walked up to the ex look-a-like. Apparently, the girl looked just like me but chubbier and with darker hair. At this point, my mum tells me that she told my dad that I now have darker hair, put on weight because of my steroids, and they both were then wondering what we were doing together in a League City Fry's. I guess in some parallel universe we're still together and I'm still steroid fat.

I should have taken my mum's ex story as a warning, because hours later at our Vest Friends meeting there he was, at the counter talking to his model GF's, model BFF who works at a coffee shop. Ugh, my stomach turned and my hands were trembling. He likes my hair, thinks my new tattoo is perfect for me, misses me, and he wants to be friends. I wanted to stand on the picnic table and scream while kicking him it the face! I know, I know... I'm supposed to grow, forgive, move on, and not hold a grudge, but I think he is just a shitty person who treated someone he "loved" awfully and I don't think he will ever feel bad about that or apologize. I told him that and he said he didn't intend to be mean, and which point I reminded him of the emails he sent me where he stated otherwise. It's just so frustrating and I know the problem is that I still haven't resolved in my head that I can't fix this. I don't feel like he understands how much he hurt me, how he lied to me, and that as a result I don't trust him, respect him, and certainly don't want to be his friend. I love and respect my friends and don't have people in my life just to have phone numbers and bar pals. Anyhow, it would be too much work for him to earn my trust as a friend. This is a topic that I could talk about forever, but I need to move on...

Moving on... Sunday evening I had a fancy tasting dinner party at the Highball to preview their new menu. 13 course dinner with wine parings and Tim League. The conversation was great and was sort of like a round table interview session. We all took turns answering the same questions, like "what did you want to be when you were young?", "What are your words of wisdom to impart?", etc. It was really fun. I was nervous at first to be at a table of 11 complete strangers (food critics and Alamo exects) but I was a hit! It's frustrating sometimes to be so great at making lady friends, yet still be such a failure, romantically, with the men. I was talking to my mum about this same topic and she told me that whenever the right man comes along he won't be intimidated, but charmed. Mum's have to say that. Regardless, I had such a great dinner and then wrapped it up with a recap/nightcap with Julia.




Friday, July 8, 2011

Thursday's Tidbits on Friday

-Last night I had a blast with Gene Beam, Julia, and Beth with a double feature: Goonies and Mermaids. I think I could live without the Goonies, although I know that is heresy coming from my generation. Mermaids on the other hand, was my mum's go-to film whenever my sister and I were younger. Perhaps it is the sexy single mother of two that caused her to love it so much, but it always makes me wish I was watching it with her again while eating popcorn and laying down on the couch with my my head on her lap. Also, seeing Cher and Winona Ryder with such dark hair and milky skin made me like my dark hair even more.

-When I was a kid, I loved laying my head on my mum's lap and hearing her belly grumble. I imagine if you held a stethoscope up to an ant farm that it would sound like all the noises that the insides of people make.

-3Gs called me last night. I sent him a nice little card last week asking him to save the date for Beth and Matt's wedding because I wanted him to be my date. My mum, actually, told me that I should send him some snail mail because that is what men like in long distance relationships. I thought it was antiquated advice, but thoughtful nonetheless and since we stopped texing or calling each other I thought I'd give it a try. I think men in long distance relationships nowadays like sexts, but this isn't a long distance relationship and besides sending Julia and Karen pictures of Boris's nipple, I don't want to even start getting mixed up with sexting. Anyhow, whenever I see that he's calling me I get butterflies. It's silly, but I think it's harmless to have a crush on the sweetest Jersey boy I know. Ugh, I love his smile and I hope I get to see him next week when I'm in NYC.

-Here's the picture of Boris's nipple that he keeps asking me to send to my cat loving lady friends and Eric:

Cat Nip

-Last night I was informed that I had broken someone's heart. It was complete news to me and made me feel really shitty. I thought I was only responsible for one broken heart and, as a person currently living with a broken heart, I HATE the idea that I hurt someone. I was casually dating this guy for about six months whenever I met Allen and I didn't think he was that into me. This guy was honestly the nicest person I've ever dated, but at the time I was pretty sure he wasn't looking for something serious and neither was I. I think this just puts things into perspective. Even while being careful and honest, you can still hurt someone unintentionally. I think the key here is to just be the best person you can and treat others with respect. Adrienne once told me that all she can do is to make the 6 feet around her the best possible circle of 6 feet she can and I fully support that notion.

-Love this video Carrie introduced me to:



-Last night I hung out with an ex of mine, Nate. He lives just around the block from me and is moving out of the neighborhood. So, I texted him last night, he came over, and we had some beers together. It was a really great three hour conversation and I sort of have a crush on him again. (One blog about multiple crushes.... sheesh girl!)  The best part was just talking and reconnecting on a level different from when we dated. We were never unfriendly to each other these last few years, but I certainly feel like I've made a new friend after last night because the conversation was that enjoyable.

-This weekend I'm excited about Pam's birthday, my mum's birthday, Beerland's birthday, swimming, a tattoo appointment with my pigeon gal Billy, Stag's flea market, packing for Philly, Lonely Ladies benefit, and having Beth's car for another weekend! Have a great weekend, y'all. Yippee

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Face the Changes

I've been off the roids for a few weeks now and my face is finally returning to it's old shape. Out of all the side effects of the steroids, this is the one that was hardest to deal with. I didn't feel like myself to begin with, and then on top of that I looked like a giant marshmallow face. I tried to document the changes, but wasn't very proactive in taking photos. The few I did follow below.

My face certainly ballooned to it's fullest in June and I stopped taking the roids June 20th. I still think I have some puffiness in my chin that hasn't gone down yet. My doctor told me I should return to my normal weight and face in about 2 more weeks. If it's a dramatic change, I'll surely keep you posted.

Yesterday I had a hair appointment with the talented Pam Ross at West End Salon. I just love what she does and how well she knows what I'm looking for. Last time I was looking for a big change, but she was very cautious about doing anything too dramatic. We went darker and changed my bangs, but I was shocked about how quickly my hair lightened. I would have never guessed how blonde I am naturally. So this time, I wanted more of the same: darker and a bang change. I really like the cut and the color will get a little lighter after I wash it. Right now it kind of looks black, but it is a dark brown with gorgeous, shiny, chocolate highlights.  Oh, and it smells amazing! I don't know what products she used, but I would be willing to pay $20 for a bottle of it and I'm typically cheap, cheap about beauty products. It's a clove-y, lavender scent that is divine! Pam said that I looked ambiguously ethnic and I love how the dark color makes my freckles subtle and my skin creamy looking. As always, I'm very pleased!


Fat Face- 06/03/2011
Fat Face- 06/09/2011







Less Fat Face- 06/26/11
New ME- 07/07/11




Here's some inspirational music about changes :P


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Let's Hear it For the Girls

I'm currently reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and this passage struck me:

"From that time on, remembering the stoning women, she hated women. She feared them for their devious ways, she mistrusted their instincts. She began to hate them for this disloyalty and their cruelty to each other... Most women had one thing in common... this should make a bond that held them all together it should make them love and protect each other against the man-world. But it was not so... They stuck together for one thing: to trample on some other woman... whether by throwing stones or by mean gossip. It was the only kind of loyalty they seemed to have. Men were different. They might hate each other but they stuck together against the world and against any woman who would ensnare one of them."

This book was recommended to me many years ago by a whirlwind best friend who is essentially dead to me. Our friendship was a "misery loves company" based relationship and I was so betrayed by her that I have never spoken to her again and never will. I rarely think of her and my friends never say the C-word around me. (Funny, the S-word is also one that makes the hair on my neck stand in attention). That being said, why do I have history with women that would give their life for me one second and vanish from my life the next? Granted, those girls have character flaws and are generally bad people, but I let them into my life and gave so much, so that must say something about my character as well. My grandmother swears against female friends and that has always seemed like a strange generational failing.

This past weekend I met a girl named Maggie at Jacob's pool. (I love it whenever I hear an Englishman say "called" instead of "named") She's been in Austin 3 months and moved here for her job without many friends in town. She was very nice, outgoing, fun, and we have a lot in common. Why is it so easy for me to pick up lady friends? This isn't a complaint; because I've never been happier than I am having such a great group of women in my life, but I wonder how I got such a great group of strong, outgoing, smart, and hilarious women in my life. Many of my girls were even put on hold for the last few years while I was accommodating a man, but they were always there and still are.

SXSW with Julia and Emily

This reminds me of a funny article I read in the Onion:
Area Woman Has the Best Friends in the World

With Lacey 4 hot summers ago

Anyhow, Maggie will just have to be put on the back burner for the time being, because all of my GF slots are currently full and there's a waiting list. Honestly though, between my regularly scheduled lady dates Monday and Tuesday, Vest Friends, band practice, the knitting circle, and dinner club that doesn't even leave me time for brunch, happy hour, or swimming! Also, I've been saying I wanted to do a Broken Spoke Wednesday ladies dance fest for months now and I still haven't had the time yet. I've never in my life devoted so much time to my gal pals and I've also never felt so taken care of! I know ladies with none or few lady friends and I wonder why their life is that way whenever my cup runneth over. If you judge yourself from the company you keep, then I'm freakin' awesome, caring, and fun to be around.

Othello with Beth

Another lady-excitement shout out: this summer I'm taking my first girlfriend vacation! Hell, this summer; we leave next week! Watch out New York and Philadelphia, Gene Beam and LD are coming and we're gonna wreck that shit.

SXSW with Gina, Beth, Heather, and Jamie

This post also makes me miss my mum, who was my 1st best friend. It's her birthday this Sunday (and Pam's too!) and I wish I could take her out and have another one of our all night wine chats.

Sloshballing with Pam

Side note: I don't have enough photos of me and my betches!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Hugs For Sale

I think the main thing I miss about being in love is having someone in my life that I know could make everything better. If you've heard me talk about my ex and my breakup, this statement might come as a shock. When things frustrated me, stressed me out, upset me, were overwhelming, etc. all it took was one hug from him and my mind felt at ease; like I could put it off until tomorrow. I love my GFs and they have always been there for me, but that "ssshhhhhh, baby" hug is something they can never give me. Ewwww boy, though, those girls sure can cheer me up like no other!

I need to find my inner "ssshhhh, baby" hug! Something that feels as great as this looks:


Okay, so that does look pretty creepy.

Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of My Pie

Nothin' but Tidbits:

-I gave $15 to a toothless homeless man because I had it and he told me to smile. I told him that I don't smile and he asked, "Why not, you've got all the good stuff: a shiny silver car, pretty face, and pink nails. SMILE!" I do have all the good stuff, but I wasn't about to tell him that it wasn't my car, I'm waiting for my fake teeth before I start smiling, and that I drunkenly painted my nails in my friend's backyard last night with nail polish from a pinata and didn't pay for a manicure.

-Today I had a lovely Fourth of July with Lacey, Bittany, Madalynn, Veronica, and the boys. We hiked (accidentally), swam, ate, and played hard. It was nice to spend so much more time with them than I usually get. We found this dead deer on our hike:



-I've decided: I've always said I hated kids, but I don't think I hate them. I don't want any of my own, but I might like to fall for a dude that already had a kid or two. After all, why would I want to ruin my hot bod with one of my own?! I LOVE Madilynne, Posey, Astrid, Willa, and Stevie P. They're great so long as I'm not responsible for their emotional development and I can just enrich their lives by being an aunt, fun friend, or potential step-mum. It's the same way my dad felt about my sister and I when he married my mum.

-Today, surely, wasn't as bad as I feared it could have been. That reassures me that each day gets easier even when there aren't fireworks.

- In April, I met my step-cousin and learned that she lived in Austin. In the last 4 years that we've lived in the same city, we've never bumped into each other. But today, I saw her at a secluded river beach area on the Guadalupe topless, hula hooping, and smoking dope. It was wonderfully hilarious saying hello to her. I enjoy my family and have never had a problem being myself with them, so I can only embrace that further!

-I bought this thing called a Pawpreaker for my kitties today. It's supposed to be like a catnip jawbreaker treat/toy ball for cats. My babies LOVE it! It comes highly recommended and they've lost it under the couch 4 times that I'm aware of today. At one point they spent 10 minutes trying to get it out from under the couch. I've never seen a cat entertained that long, even with something living, like a lizard. They knocked it down the stairs and I ran down to retrieve it for them, tossed it up the stairs, and hit poor Ceci right in the face, but she didn't care one bit! I wish I would have bought two or three so I didn't have to keep moving the couch and fetching it for them!

-Transcripted conversation I had with 5 year old Madilynn today:
Mad Love: Did you really break up with your boyfriend?
LD: Yes
Mad Love: Why?
LD: Because he was mean. 
Mad Love: Does he have a new girlfriend?
LD: Yes
Mad Love: Is she prettier than you?
YIKES!!! They sure learn early, huh? Fortunately, before I could answer her, her dad's phone rang and she was distracted enough that I could walk away. Last night we had a similar conversation, but that one eneded in her telling me that a ghost mermaid man was behind me and he was in love with me. Another cutsie: I burped while swimming and blamed it on her and she said, "um...actually, Lauren, that wasn't me!" She's too much for my heart.

-Even though I feel a bit unresolved and restless at the moment, I'm looking forward to my week: Grant submission and Steve Martin's busy summer is over, lady/baby date, ladies Trueblood, Crackpipes, Crispin Glover, a new hair do, and Pam & my mum's birthdays.




I'm Free to Mope!

Yeah, July 4th is here! Beer, hot dogs, red, white, and blue!

So, in the past it has been a rough holiday for me. It always reminds me of my dear departed friend Karen, who passed away 6 years ago on the eve of July 4th. Man, I can still remember the phone call from her sister, Megan, as if it was yesterday... I was doing a photo shoot in my spare bedroom/office/studio for a local sausage company in Denton. After I hung up I ran downstairs and lived in shock on the couch until McVay came home from work. I left the sausages baking in the studio lights and the entire house reeked of cooked sausages. Ugh, it turns my stomach to remember. About two years ago, something hit me. Maybe it was clarity, resolution; I'm not sure what you call it, but her death didn't hurt me anymore. She still has a very special place in my heart. Love you girl!

Technically, I didn't have an anniversary with the ex. Sure, there was the beard competition in February when we met, but that was just the anniversary of our meeting. Our first date was on my birthday, so there's another anniversary, but it was July 4th that we decided to be exclusive; the official BF declaring. I'm still wrapped up; wrapped up for this one.  I need to stop listening to The Zombies. Too many jilted lover songs that pull my heart strings: "Baby, you'll just cry for his shadow." I keep asking myself why I'm doing this: loving him, wanting him, and hating him all at the same time. How is it benefiting me? Do I enjoy the longing? I don't know. I'd be there and do it again, but just have to remind myself that you can't make someone want to be with you, want to be there for you, to give of themselves when they don't want to. Blah, blah, blah... boo, hoo, hoo... shut up you silly girl and go meet that urban lumber jack who carries you away.

No work today! I'm going to use my Old Navy groupon (don't laugh), buy some cat litter, visit Karen with flowers, swim, swim, swim, and play mermaid with sweet little Madalynn.

Mad Love

The love never dies!


1997