It's been a rough week for me, but I'm gonna blame myself on this one. First, let's start out with some cheerful highlights:
- Cecilia is currently making biscuits on my legs.
- I've lost 10lbs in the last two weeks from either ditching the roids or vomiting uncontrollably.
- I have a date tonight.
- I don't have to worry about paying my bills, it's just the fun money that goes too fast.
- My best friend is getting married and I get to help her with planning.
- I don't have to work on Monday!!
- This summer I will get to see, in person, the most amazing piece of art I've ever "seen".
- After I get my new teeth, I want to have an awesome portrait taken. Maybe one of me jumping off a diving board in a pretty dress into a pool grinning from ear to ear. Family, you will be getting this photo with a nice little note requesting all previous ones be destroyed.
- My friends and family love me and think I'm awesome!
- One day, I will own a claw foot tub and chickens.
Okay, so onto the nonsense. I've been crying all day. I cried all day Tuesday and yesterday too. I should be ashamed of myself. I'd like to say I don't have a valid reason to cry, but I keep finding plenty of tears streaming down my face. I'm just going to put this out there: I've had enough! I'm not going to bully myself anymore. Dear Lauren, you will stop; you've been warned.
What's up with the tears? I'm still heartbroken. It's been 4 months since I broke up with the ex and I'm not resolved like I had hoped, or thought I was. I still cry at my desk at work. I still buy him presents whenever I see things that remind me of him. I still turn to look whenever I hear a motorcycle. I still have troubles sleeping at night because I crave his snoring and erratic breathing. My heart is in thousands of little pieces and each one is still devoted and in love with him. It's absolutely disgusting! Today I realized, that this is my first actual heartbreak that didn't involve death. I should view this as a silver lining and feel lucky to be experiencing this for the first time, but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so self aware, so driven to constantly be improving my emotional understanding, and trying to find an equilibrium between my brain and my life. I could have made Allen mine forever; I knew how. I remember sitting next to him after our break up and thinking that I knew exactly what to say and do to wrangle him and keep him, and yet I still ended things because I didn't want to settle for constant beratement, criticism, and abandonment. So, why am I crying and brokenhearted if it was such a terrible relationship?! Well, it was the most amazing love I've ever felt when he loved me. So, there you go. I ended something terrible that used to be something amazing and I'm still beating myself up for not having been able to make it amazing again. I loved him so much and always focused on his happiness and I know he was miserable with me. So...
- This is my 1st heartbreak.
- I want a merit badge for this one.
- Today, I end this! Today, I end the constant thoughts, the tears, the hope, and the wishing that all we need is time and that things will go back to wonderful.
- I hear a motorcycle outside my window at this second and I'm not going to look.
- Audra, get that bonfire started baby. I'm ready to burn it all!
I shouldn't be blogging this. When it comes to my readers, I'm only aware of my blog subscribers and a handful of other friends, so I have no clue where my 40+ page views come from each day, so I know this may be too personal for those unknown individuals. I guess this is the type of stuff that should go in a journal. My journal is nothing but little scraps of paper shoved into a tin without much cohesion; rambling quips of feelings and thoughts. Anyhow, I feel really sorry for my girlfriends, having to deal with this all over again. They've been so supportive and understanding; listening to me cry and helping me through the rough spots. When we broke up, I told him I didn't want to be with anybody else but him, and it's still very true. I wonder how many old maids there are out there still waiting for that one person to come back in their life. Probably a lot less than there are couples in loveless, unhappy marriages.
So, what is the whole point of this rambling? I have a date tonight. A date that I have cancelled two times before with a very sweet and charming guy. He's a friend of mine. I've found him attractive since the moment I met him and we both think each other is awesome. I'm absolutely terrified of going out with him. It's just a friendly date, no expectations, nothing with implied romanticism, but just a one on one thing to see if there is the potential for something more. Beth told me she hopes there are fireworks and I started sobbing. I should be hoping for fireworks too, but it's the last thing on my mind. Anyhow, I have a date with someone I think is awesome and cute and I feel outrageously guilty about it because I'm still in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Okay, here's another list to be used as my personal pep talk:
- You're cute.
- You're funny.
- You're smart.
- People like you.
- You're a single lady and nobody is stopping you from doing anything, so go get some beers and watch a freakin' movie and stop blabbing on and on about someone who told you they only wanted you in their life when it was convenient for them (his words not mine).
Wish me luck!